When you first meet someone you really like and this time the feeling is mutual – it can be a bit of a whirlwind. It’s easy to see all the things you like about them. It’s easy to spend time with them and for it be exciting, surprising, and fun. And, once things start to transition over to something a little more serious – sometimes the relationship can lose it’s original sheen. You have your first argument. You start doing the things that you were doing before you got caught up in the romance. Things start to settle down a bit. So, what can you do to keep that relationship alive, happy, and still exciting? How can you really make the MOST of the relationship that you’ve got? Here are a few key tips (7 actually) that will help keep you on the right track.

1.Be authentic.

Ok, so it sounds so cliché BUT it’s really important, so I’m going to remind you anyways. Remember to stay true to yourself and your values. I could also say it like this: “You have a freak flag – so let it fly”. Don’t try to be something that you are not. Don’t try and mould yourself into some fantasy version of a man that your girlfriend wants. You may think, “If can change this one thing – then she will be happy”. But the problem with that is – you make one change and then she will want to change something else. And, then at the end of the day you won’t know who you are and she won’t know who you are either. Make sure that if you want to make more positive changes about yourself or in your life that you are in alignment with what you really value and not just because you “think” it will make the relationship better. When you stay true to yourself and what’s important to you – you have more to offer the relationship. Have the courage to stand up for what you believe in and when the opportunity arises choose the option that feels best for you and most true for you.

2.The most important relationship is with yourself.

**Newsflash** You make up one half of the relationship. Therefore, if you neglect yourself then you are also neglecting your relationship. In other words, it’s hard to fill up another bucket when your own bucket is empty. Make sure to clear time for you to recharge and feel good. Spend time playing that sport that you enjoy. Spend time with friends that you really enjoy the company of. Spend time pursuing the things in your life that are really important to you. Block out time for just chilling and relaxing from the stress of your everyday life. All of these things help you fill up your own bucket which can then overflow into your relationship.

3.More isn’t always better.

Some people think that in order to have a great relationship you have to dedicate a large proportion of your life to it. And, while it’s true that in order to have a great relationship you need to make it a higher priority in your life it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to spend every waking moment with this person. What actually helps create more of a fulfilling relationship is dedicated quality time with your partner. When interacting with that person in meaningful ways is the sole focus of that minute, hour, or night – the rewards are very enriching. It could involve a special date night every week. Or it could even be those 15 minutes of dedicated couple time before the two of you get ready for work. It’s important to prioritize this time in your relationship otherwise it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life and miss out on these magical and meaningful moments with your partner.

4.Have courage.

Don’t let fear take hold when insecurities or past hurts come up. At times when you want to hold back or use emotional weapon instead breathe, take a step back, and don’t let the fear get the best of you. Do your best to be present and respond to the situation in front of you and not the one in your head. Do your best to use this relationship as an opportunity to conquer your fears and heal past hurts. Every relationship you have gives you an opportunity to learn, grow, and especially heal.

5.Communicate with openness.

Any form of communication is interpreted through the filter of your partner’s perception. You might say something really harmless, but because it touches on insecurity or a touchy subject – it could lead to an overreaction. Each partner should take the time to communicate as openly as possible. Truly listen. Give each other room to say what the other person needs to say without interjecting, defending, or accusing. Most things can be worked out via proper open communication. But the most important thing is to keep those lines open!

6. Be selective about what your focus on.

You want to do your best to focus on the things that please you rather than displease you about your partner and the relationship. When you first meet someone it’s easy to see all their positive aspects. Call it the honeymoon phase. But once you have transitioned past this stage – little things can really annoy you about your partner. During this time – it’s important to consciously put effort into the things that you appreciate about your partner. Or at least don’t make such a big deal out of the things that do bother you and focus on things that make you feel good about them. As you focus on the things that you like about your partner the more things you will have to appreciate about them and vice versa.

7. Expect the unexpected.

Sometimes relationships can get a little dull or boring because you get stuck in a kind of relationship rut. You think you know each other so well that there seems to be nothing exciting about the other person and the relationship that you are in. When you come from a perspective that your partner continues to surprise you with their little quirks, with their personality, and with their growth – then you set the stage for a sense of excitement and newness to be more present in the relationship. When you come from the premise that you may NEVER truly know who your partner is because they are always changing, growing, and evolving you leave the door open to new experiences, anticipation, and an eagerness to get to know them even more. Practical ways to apply this could be a game where the two of you ask each other questions that you have never asked each other before. They could be light hearted or they could be more meaningful ones. It’s also good to try things that the BOTH of you have never done before. That way you can experience something new together and bond through that experience.
And, because I’m not really a fan of writing endings to blog posts right now – I will again leave you this quote:

We met for a reason – you are either a blessing or a lesson ~ Frank Ocean

 

And, I would add … that every lesson is a blessing …
I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn,

Hey guys,

Hope you are all doing really well. I wanted to keep this really quick. In the near future HAF will be coming out with a new and different brand name. It is an exciting time and most importantly I want you to be a part of it.

That’s why I want you to click on the link below and have your say on what you would like the new brand name to be.

Yeah – this link:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/N2SKF3C

I really appreciate it and am looking forward to moving in this new direction.

I know a few of you are concerned about HAF disappearing – and rest assured that HAF will always be around in some form of another. So, consider this a sister/brother brand to HAF. Something that is exciting, fresh, and always helpful.

So, take 1 minute out and vote on your favorite brand name right here:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/N2SKF3C

Make sure to think about your vote carefully – because you only have one shot at it =)

Thank so much,

HAF

Recently, a few of my close friends have been going through relationship breakups. Most of them are handling it well and learning a lot in the process. Having this at the forefront of my mind has caused me to think about relationships in a perspective that may be helpful for those of you going through a recent breakup or still trying to overcome one that happened a while ago.

Principle One: The purpose of relationships is growth.

This is a massive concept. So, I thought I would give it to you first (so you can spend the rest of the post digesting it). I could also follow it up with these next two statements:
Relationships are fluid rather than concrete. Relationships are about the process rather than the destination.

If I were to ask people what they think relationships are really about, they might answer along the lines of: “To be with someone who loves me unconditionally”, or “To be with someone who makes me happy”, or “To be with someone who makes me feel secure”, etc. And, the kind of unspoken general consensus of how one should tackle relationships is to, “Find the one you want to be with as quickly and as efficiently as possible”. With this last statement in mind it could easily be concluded that any relationship that didn’t serve a lifetime is considered to be a “failed relationship”.

But, what if every relationship served its own purpose? What if every relationship gave you an opportunity to grow? What is every past relationship was a stepping stone to something new and more desirable? What if every relationship you ever experienced was the perfect one that you needed to be with at the time?

If you think about your past relationships that have ended and apply this new perspective, you may just find some rare and beautiful gems of how each of these relationships have served you and helped you grow.

Principle Two: Past relationships help you define what you really want.

The great thing about life is that we have the ability to discern what we do like and what we don’t like. However it’s hard to tell sometimes what this is – when we have NO EXPERIENCE of what it’s like to have something or not have something. And, that’s the great thing about certain relationships you may have experienced in the past as they helped you define so clearly what you did and did not want.

Maybe you found a girl that was everything that you ever wanted minus this one annoying thing that was a complete deal breaker with you. If you experienced that – then don’t be sad that it didn’t work out with this girl – be excited about finding a new girl that was all those things without that annoying deal breaker.

Relationships that didn’t work out give you the experience to know what you do want in a partner and what you don’t want in a partner. And, without that experience – you may have never known what those things were. How can that be a bad thing?

Principle Three: Past and current relationships help you heal yourself.

All relationships that we have in our lives are a reflection of ourselves. Sometimes the things that irritate us most about another person are there because we recognize it in ourselves. Because the purpose of relationships is growth a true soulmate/spiritual partnership will actually stir up unresolved issues that you can still need to work on. If you have the courage and willingness to look at these areas you can find a way to heal yourself so that you can love more freely and unconditionally in the future.

The great thing about relationships is that you keep attracting the same ones UNTIL you learn what you really need to learn. Do you know of someone who keeps dating the same woman or man over and over again (just with a different name and face)? Whatever the lesson is – it’s always going to be the same until you develop the awareness of what you need to learn and apply that new learning.

I’m not sure how to end this post. In some ways – I believe that it doesn’t really need an ending. But I will leave you with this quote by Byron Katie:

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.”

I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn …

I know it can be confusing and frustrating when a girl says one thing and means another. One important thing to note about women is that most of the time – you cannot take their words literally. Women are incredibly equipped to be able to read between the lines and pick up on things that are not being “said”. This is one of the primary ways in which they create and maintain relationships with other women and the people around them. If you actually watch two women interact with one another you and pay attention to this – you will see that they are always reading behind the lines to identify the true meaning of what is being said. The majority of men are very literal. You take things at face value. Thus, the difference in communication styles creates discrepancies. Please feel free to use this post as a translation guide. And, if there is a common phrase that I missed which you would like a translation for please leave it in the comments below and I will explain it!

She says: “I’m fine”

What she means: There IS something wrong. And, you should know that when I say I’m fine – I’m really not.
Why she does this: She wants you to care enough to first notice that something is wrong and then second ask her questions to determine what’s really on her mind.
What you should do: When a woman tells you she is fine – realise that it’s a red flag that something is up. You get one point for noticing. And, one point for doing something about it. More often than not she will either be feeling vulnerable or angry about something. If she is feeling vulnerable focus more on reassurance. If she is feeling angry focus on getting her to lighten up, laugh, and relax a little more.

She says: “Just forget about it”

What she means is: just forget about it … for now because I’m frustrated I’m not getting my point across to you. And, if I argue with you anymore I’m probably going to cry or be really upset. But I’m too angry right now to be upset.
Why she does this: To end the conversation before she gets too upset or to alert you that she is actually annoyed about something.
What you should do: Find out where the misunderstanding lies. Most of the time she will say this because she feels like you don’t understand something that she is trying to communicate with you. Tell her you won’t forget about it until she tells you what’s really going on. Don’t interpret it literally!

She says: “I’ll be 5 minutes”

What she means: Whatever a woman says she needs time wise. It’s best to at least double that. So, if she says 5 minutes – then expect at least 10 minutes. This is important for shorter time frames but it decreases as the time frame expands. So if she says three hours then estimate about 4.5 to 5 hours … not 6.
Why she does this: Women genuinely believe that they can get things done within that time frame. But reality doesn’t usually match the expectation.
What you should do: Use the time formula to expect what time she really needs. Don’t hold it against her – if she exceeds her time. Just accommodate it into your plans.

She says: “Isn’t that girl hot?”

What she means: Reassure me that I’m prettier.
Why she does this: She wants to know if you will be easily swayed by the next hot girl to test how faithful you are to her.
What you should do: Be playful about it and then highlight something that you like better about her.

She says: “Let’s just be friends”

What she means: I don’t feel enough attraction for you to be more than that.
Why she does this: She feels that it will be a softer way of letting you down.
What you should do: If you value her as friend – then work on being her friend. If you are only really interested in her in that romantic way then focus on changing the chemistry of the relationship – which may involve going away for a short bit and coming back with a different game plan.

She says: “I’m not interesting in dating anyone at the moment”

What she means: I’m not interested in dating you.
Why she does this: She doesn’t want to bluntly say the above.
What you should do: It depends on the context in which she has said this. If it’s just a random comment while mid conversation – it could be a hint that she doesn’t feel attraction for you yet. In this case you want to focus on building that attraction, connection, and spark. If she says this while you are planning to take her on a date or move in for a kiss – then it’s a definite that she isn’t at the point where she feels that physical attraction for you.

She says: “A guy the other day totally hit on me …”

What she means: Are you going to be jealous that a guy hit on me?
Why she does this: She wants to know if you care enough to be a little protective over her. She wants reassurance that you appreciate her.
What you should do: Don’t act in the extreme. So, don’t react with intense jealousy or with complete apathy. Rather take it on board respond calmly and add a subtle suggestion that you are glad she is your girl and not someone else’s.

She says: “It’s not you – I’ve just been busy”

What she means: It’s you. Something is up. But I’m not ready to tell you what it is.
Why she does this: Maybe she has been feeling off about you. Or maybe she is upset at you for something. But she doesn’t want to admit that directly to you.
What you should do: Don’t take it personally. Probe a little to see what the underlying issue is. If she is consistently using that excuse on you – it’s probably her way of saying that she is NOT making herself available to you and you should probably start looking elsewhere.

She says: “You should go …”

What she means: I dare you to go but you don’t have my permission. I won’t stop you from going but you will pay for it later.
Why she does this: She is upset that you going for whatever reason and expects you to take her feelings into consideration before you make that decision.
What you should do: Don’t automatically give in. Most of the time acknowledge her feelings, reassure her – and then make the best decision for you. She may not like it initially – but she will learn to respect it.

She asks: “What was your last girlfriend like?”

What she means: How do I compare to her?
Why she does this: She is looking for reasons why she would be a better match for you. She also wants to gauge how much of a grip the past has on you – to see your longer term viability and emotional availability.
What you should do: Talk from a neutral state about your ex and then highlight certain things that you really like about your current girl.

Obviously, each situation is a little different. But these translations serve as a general guideline as to what a woman usually means when she says something. Your course of action is always up to you. My advice is to experiment with by responding in ways you usually would and then trying some of these suggestions out and gauging if you get a different response. If, there was a phrase that you would really like translated then let me know what it is in the comments below.

In other words, if you can’t make a promise then just don’t make it at all. Often guys think that in order to keep a woman happy they have to promise her “the world”. But in actual fact, you are more likely to make a woman happy by the promises that you deliver on.

For any of the women reading this post (I know you are out there) what would you prefer? A man who sets the expectation that he will not call you for two weeks and then doesn’t. Or a man that promises to call you for two weeks but doesn’t. Which one would bother you the most?

In either case, the same thing happened. He didn’t call for two weeks. BUT the expectation that you (the man) sets – MAKES ALL the difference. I can tell you right now that most women would prefer the first scenario than the second one. The reason is because in the first instance her expectation is that she will not get a call for two weeks. And, in the second instance she is expecting calls during this time and has two weeks to be continually disappointed that she is not getting one. By making a promise you are creating an expectation within a woman. So, you have to be careful about the promises that you make. If unsure – then do not make the promise.

Men think that they have to make excuses to get them out of trouble. But if they ONLY made promises that they could keep it would keep then out of a lot MORE. Empty promises do more damage than not making any promises at all. Why? Because when you make a promise you SET the expectation of what will happen next.

So, only promise her “the world” if you know that you can deliver on it. If you can’t then keep your mouth shut.

I often say that you can tell a lot about how a woman really feels through her actions. Women use the same thing to truly gauge a man’s interest in her.(Actually what really happens is that a man’s actions reflect that he may not be that into her for whatever reason and the woman will try to rationalize her way into thinking that he still is).

So essentially, you can tell both where a man and a woman’s interest lies through their actions.

Keeping your word and making promises that you can truly deliver on, is a key relationship skill that will be beneficial during the courting stage and beyond. It’s not a “pick up technique”. It’s a way of conducting yourself when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex and conducting yourself when it comes to your own life.

It comes down to being an honorable man. A man of your word. A man of integrity. A man who follows through on his actions. And, in this day and age (women will greatly appreciate this).

Creating a habit out of this actually proves to be more beneficial to you on many different levels. First, you don’t have to lie. You don’t have to formulate excuses in your head and practice them so they come across as sincere. Second, you can set real limits on what you ARE willing to do and not to do. Third, you create trust within a woman that will make her more secure and respectively less demanding. Fourth, you know that you can stay true to your word.

How much better do you feel when you know you DO follow through on your actions? You are not just fluffing around – when you say you are going to do something then you know that you are going to do it.

That’s not to say that certain things CAN happen that you did not foresee and so you have to break on a promise. Every man is given a certain lee way. But if this becomes a consistent process of breaking promises then it can lead to a woman becoming insecure, needy, and demanding. Why? Because you are teaching her that she cannot trust you. And, this can trigger other insecurities within her.

The art of keeping promises …

Now, I’m also aware that there are certain areas in your life where you are definitely proactive and it’s easy to keep your promises AND there are other areas in your life when you just find it hard to keep those promises.

Maybe you find it easy to stick to deadlines at work, but find it hard to get yourself to the gym. Maybe you find it easy to get to the gym but hard to commit to that girl.

So here is the little insight: You will find it easier to keep promises in those areas where you experience equal amounts of pleasure and pain. This is a double motivator because you have a reason that moves you toward keeping that promise and you also have a reason that would result in pain if you don’t keep your promise.

When you have a situation like this – then you will keep your promise FOR SURE.

For example, let’s say you find it easy to keep the promise of going to the gym.

The pleasure motivator is that you feel a new sense of overall confidence because you feel great and look great. And, the pain motivator may be that you have a 20 year high school reunion coming up (and you used to be overweight) as a kid and would really like to show off your new body and better yet you cannot stand the thought of going to that reunion feeling “bad” about yourself or overweight.

So, for those of you that find it hard to keep your promises on one particular area of your life what you need to do is balance the pain and pleasure motivators.

If there is not enough pleasure motivators that exist then create a list of reasons (that you believe to be very true) to increase it. And, vice versa.

When you can keep your promises in the most key and important areas of your life – you will feel like a much more confident and integral man (consider it just one step in the “better man plan”)

I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn.

p.s if you liked this please click the “like” button below =)

Have you ever had a woman give you the cold shoulder in a MASSIVE way? Like, you guys were flirting, dating, relationshipping (yes I just made that word up) each other and then things went downhill and she wanted absolutely nothing to do with you? If you haven’t been in a situation like this: then I’m sure you know someone who has.

What I want to let you in on today is the reason WHY she does this. Because when you figure out the WHY then the “HOW to” deal with it becomes very easy. It becomes easier for you to come to terms with her behaviour (and move on if that’s what you want). And, it becomes easier for you move from “her not wanting anything to do with you” to at least getting back onto talking, interacting, and eventually “picking up where we left” terms.

Now, if I were to ask you the reasons you think a woman does this – what would your answer be?

Some of your answers may revolve around: “She’s just a cold hearted B*tch!”; or “She was just playing me the whole time”; or “She never had real feelings for me in the first place”; etc.

I know that when a woman gives you the cold shoulder it can be a very hurtful thing. The most extreme case of this would be in a relationship breakup. You guys have spent all this time together, you feel like you know each other inside and out, and you have some really good memories together. How can you go from a relationship so close, to no contact at all?

Well, I’m going to answer that question right now. It’s really quite simple. And, here is the answer. A woman gives you the cold shoulder for one reason and one reason only: “Self Preservation”.

Let me explain …

Most of the time you will experience the cold shoulder in two specific segments of the relationship cycle. That being in the initial attraction phase and the relationship breakup phase.

So, let’s talk about attraction first. David D coined the phrase, “Attraction is not a choice”. And, this is surely true for a woman. Because when a woman feels attraction for a man there is very little she can do to stop it. She cannot reason with herself. She cannot talk herself out of it. Most of the time she is running on autopilot.

Now, let’s say that a woman does feel attraction for you but there is something that is preventing her from wanting to progress. Maybe she is really scared of being hurt again. Maybe she is attracted to an unavailable man. Maybe there is something ethically wrong with being with this man for whatever reason.

If she continues to talk to this man, spend time with this man, do things that remind her of this man  – then the attraction gets her every time. Meaning she will be back in his arms in no time. So, the only way she can break the “attraction spell” is REMOVE herself completely from the situation.

Attraction and infatuation can be closely linked – and in some ways they are like an emotional drug. You can’t go through a rehab drug program without cutting yourself out completely. And, in many ways this is what a woman does to prevent herself from falling any further into the “attraction spell”. Doing this of course sparks withdrawal symptoms. She may miss you, and it will take a lot of her strength to prevent herself from contacting you – but within a few days, weeks, months (depending on how strong the attraction was) this will wain and she will return to a somewhat normal version of herself.

Note: I’m not writing this to make excuses for women. I’m writing this because I want to give you a way that you can understand the situation instead of being frustrated, angry, or hurt by it. Because having these negative emotions pent up against women are not going to help you in the relationship department in the long run.

I have seen many men who come to a point where they get fed up with women. They hold resentment and anger towards the opposite sex and then they succeed at dating all sorts of beautiful women. It’s not the anger and frustration that creates the attraction – it’s the fact that a woman’s approval no longer matters to him. He is emotionally autonomous. But if he continues down this path then eventually it becomes difficult for him to have good quality long term relationships because he always has a wall up. He is always preventing himself for truly caring for another (in fear that he may be hurt again).

You can also become emotionally autonomous when you have a good sense self-esteem and confidence. When you know who you are and what’s important to you – you achieve the same thing with the capacity to have a great quality relationship with the woman of your choice.

This is what it’s about.
**End Note**

Getting back on track, the same thing applies to a relationship breakup. Women cut the contact from their ex so that they can make a clean break and start the healing process. They find it very difficult to do this when in constant contact with their ex-partner.

All of this is in the name of self-preservation.

So, where does all of this lead. It all comes back to the absolute power of attraction when triggered within a woman.

Most of the time when it’s a battle of attraction (illogical and visceral) vs. logic – attraction wins hands down.

It is also the reason why a woman will “say one thing” and then do another. If a woman is experiencing conflict it’s because her body wants one thing and her mind wants another. If you can help a woman resolve this conflict by allowing her to “let go” – you can accomplish all sorts of wonderful things. What’s most important is to remember that you need to “get a woman” on that visceral/emotional level rather than the logical one.

That’s why you can never talk a woman into feeling attraction for you or being with you. Because you are appealing to the wrong part of her brain. Doing that would be as futile and someone talking to you about food when you are starving and expecting it to fill you up. It won’t work. It’s futile. And, it would probably end up annoying the heck out of you after a while.

So, what can you do from here?

Firstly, it will make it easier for you to move on (if that’s what you want) because you can realize that it’s not about you – it’s about her. It’s not a personal attack. She isn’t doing it solely to spite you or hurt you. Most likely she is just in self-preservation mode. She may feel like she has been hurt and has put up a wall to prevent further damage.

Knowing this can hopefully help in getting past any anger, frustration, and moving onto acceptance of the situation – so you can move on without any resentment.

Secondly, knowing this will help if you want her to come back around. When a woman puts up a wall – it doesn’t mean that it can never be broken. It just means that it will take a little time and persistence is cracking that wall – so that she will learn to trust you again and therefore open up again.

I’m not saying that you have to break down every woman’s wall. If you choose to do that – then it’s your choice. No one is saying you have to do anything. But if it is YOUR choice to want to keep this woman in your life then this is an option for you. And, applying flexible persistence will be very useful in this situation.

So, now you know the real reason why a woman gives you the cold shoulder or cuts you off completely. What you choose to do with that – is entirely up to you.

I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn? Had a woman cut you off? What’s been some of your experiences?

P.S If you enjoyed this post then please click the “like” button below =)

P.P.S I’m off to Bali for a couple of weeks for some island hopping. And, the laptop won’t be coming! So, I hope you guys have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. And, I’ll see you all again early in 2013!

If you want to keep the passion and excitement alive with your girlfriend then you only need to remember one thing: you must actively build anticipation within her. Building anticipation, mystery, and giving her something to really look forward to – is the name of the game. And, if you are guilty of having one too many boring nights on the couch watching TV with her or you feel things are getting stale – then it’s time to mix it up. Here are a few suggestions:

Step One: Spend more time creating that sexual tension.
Remember how to flirt? Well just because she is your girlfriend doesn’t mean that all of a sudden that should stop. Go in first for the passionate lingering kiss instead of heading straight to the bedroom. Spend a little more time talking with her, staring into her eyes, giving her dirty sexual looks, touching her all over her body BEFORE anything actual sexual happens. Appeal to ALL her senses: whisper in her ear, wear a touch of cologne that she loves, kiss her passionately, etc. All this build-up of anticipation may not be that exciting for you – but it will drive HER WILD.

Step Two: Let her imagination do the work.
Leave her a surprise email, post it note, or a text message that will hint about something she can look forward to later on. Remember that it’s a hint not a blueprint. Just give enough to let her imagination run a little wild. You can hint about a surprise you have for her; you can hint about what you are going to do with her later; etc.

Step Three: Plan a mystery date.
So, this doesn’t mean you have to blow hundreds of dollars to impress her. This is about doing something that the two of you WILL enjoy but that is a little different or is something that you haven’t done before. The fact that you are both doing something new will add to the overall excitement. Some things you could do include: blindfold her to the secret date location; take her to a place she has always wanted to go; or re-create a version of a dream date or place she would like to go. The possibilities are endless. Tailor it to the tastes of your girlfriend. What is most important is that she sees you are making an effort. And, that will win you more points than anything else.

Bonus Step: Be grounded and present.
When you are in your masculine element and a woman feels like she has your undivided attention it can be a real turn-on. So, make sure that you do whatever-it-takes so that when you do spend time with your girlfriend – it is quality time. Shut out all other thoughts and thoroughly enjoy the time that you are having with her. Don’t think about work. Don’t think about that problem you are trying to solve. Don’t think about what you are going to do after dinner. Make sure to clear the time so that you are connected to yourself and therefore can truly connect with your girlfriend.

These are just some things that women and most likely your girlfriend will really appreciate and most importantly: feel turned-on by.

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I recently wrote a newsletter for my exclusive readers about how to be the “complete package” (become an exclusive reader here). This was a little different from a lot of the articles, posts, and newsletters that I usually write about. The reason for this was that it was based on some of the more “superficial” things that help attract a woman. Things like your overall appearance, your competencies, and making your home more women friendly. Throughout this newsletter however I did emphasize first and foremost what is MOST important in attracting a woman. And, that being your confidence, presence, and charm. This is something that nice cologne or an interesting skill-set CANNOT compensate for.

And, on the topic of things that cannot be compensated for I wanted to talk about “finding love” or rather, “finding that special woman to love”. I know that a lot of you are in this place right now. Many of you are looking for ways you can attract that wondrous woman into your life that will somehow strip away the loneliness that none of you would outwardly like to admit exists.

And, while I talk about developing your presence, widening your skill set, building more self-esteem, and understanding women – all of these WILL NOT make much of a difference: until one thing happens.

It’s not a skill-set. It’s not a class you can take. It’s not something that you will have to conquer, accomplish, or win. It’s not something you have to do.

It’s something that you can only change within yourself. It’s something that you can only give to yourself. It’s something you have to feel in every part of your being.

What is it you ask?

It’s about surrender, vulnerability, opening up, and letting your walls down. It’s about treating yourself how you expect to be treated. It’s about finding what you want on the outside, within yourself.

As Above so Below as Within so Without
~ The Emerald Tablet, circa 3000 BC

So, in plain and simple English what does this mean?
1) You have to be open to love
2) The love you want to experience with another can and MUST be created within you first

And, the best part? This is good news! What’s most liberating about this is that the ONUS is back on us. It puts the responsibility back into our hands. You don’t have to wait around for a woman to come around that will fill the void of loneliness. You have the responsibility and obligation to fill that void yourself. You can stop sitting around and waiting for something or someone to happen to you. The onus, responsibility, and control are back in your hands.

If this blog is about anything – it’s about personal empowerment. Take responsibility for your actions without blame, judgement, or anger.

Often “singles advice” revolves around, “get on with your own life, and make it your best” or something to that effect. I would add to that and say – make it your best life AND let yourself in. Learn to be gentler on yourself. Laugh at that critical voice that comes into your head. Make fun of him or her. Don’t be constantly beating yourself up about the past. Get to the point where you like yourself and treat yourself well. And, once you are there, get to the point where you really love yourself. This is about truly knowing your worth and connecting with it.

Once you let yourself in … then it’s easier to let someone else in. That’s the gamble of love. Our underlying fear is that no one will love us for who we really are. So, we mask who we are. We do whatever it takes to cover up who we really are. Because it’s ok if someone rejects the false image you presented them. But it’s far more devastating when they reject the real you. So, we hide – secretly hoping that somehow someone will come along and will change that.

But it’s not up to that someone to come along. It’s up to you to start breaking down some of those walls. And, the first place that starts with the walls you have built against yourself.

So, find those things about yourself that make you feel uncomfortable. Find those things that you haven’t forgiven yourself for. Find those things that you are terrified to show other people. And, once you do find ways to be more accepting of them. And, once you have done that, find new ways to embrace and celebrate them.

I will leave you with a quote from, “The Path to Love” by Deepak Chopra:

You can never receive more love than you are prepared to receive
You cannot give more love than you have to give
The love reflected from another person has its source in your own heart

I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn.

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Now, I’m sure that you don’t wake up and think, “I would just love to date a controlling woman! That would be so much fun!” Yet you continue to find yourself with a woman who at times is demanding, nagging, complaining, and just acting downright bossy. Despite this, controlling behavior is simply a natural extension to a woman’s personality, just like drinking a cold beer, zoning into a sports game, or playing a video game is to you after a hard day’s work.

Since we have established that controlling women are everywhere, let me help you identify this behavior and show you how to minimize it.

Recognize controlling behavior is simply a signal that a woman is feeling insecure. She may feel a threat to her sense of self, her emotional state, or your relationship with her. Therefore, the controlling behavior creates a sense of security in her world, which stems from her temporary inability to trust you or herself. In her mind, it’s easier to hone in on you rather than look at her own insecurities. Ultimately, she needs her emotional security restored. She needs to regain that certainty with her sense of self, emotional state, or relationship with you. So, what are specific things you can do to prevent and manage controlling behavior?

Set Your Own Boundaries

A woman will use controlling behavior to test the limits of your personal boundaries. This will allow her to gauge your level of self-respect thereby equally matching it. Therefore, high levels of respect for yourself will be matched with high levels of respect from her. Your self-respect represents and re-enforces a boundary for her. So, by maintaining and increasing your self-respect, you prevent and decrease her attempts at controlling behavior.

A woman can also continue to push your limits until other boundaries are imposed on her. Most often, women who do this are testing to discover if you are willing to enforce such boundaries. Think of a small child who sees how much they can “act up” or “get away with something” before there are consequences. And, depending on a woman’s maturity level (because some women still act like children and some are more mature) it’s very important you set and enforce boundaries on her. For example, when she barks an order at you, decide if and when you would consider doing it. Don’t automatically assume that you HAVE to do it because she told you to. Her views and opinions are only supplements to your final decision. You are your own man. And especially in the beginning (attraction phases) no matter what happens, you stand by your decision. In this way, you are teaching her how to treat you. You are creating and maintaining boundaries that inspire and perpetuate her respect for you.

Call Her Out On Her Controlling Behavior

The truth is some women are consistently getting away with their bad behavior. Some know it and others don’t. So, when you come into her life, you can distinguish yourself from all the other men she is surrounded with by being one of the few men to ever call her out. Even though she may whine, rebel, scowl, complain, or pout when you call her out, she will internally experience your assertiveness as exciting, refreshing, and attractive. So, the next time she has a temper tantrum, starts ordering you around, or takes the lead, use that as an opportunity to call her out on her games. Use that as an opportunity to regain the leadership position. Use that as an opportunity to tease and connect with her. This will make you unique in her world. Trust me, if she doesn’t appreciate you for it in the moment, she will appreciate you for it later!

Give Her What She Really Needs

As I mentioned previously, when a woman is acting controlling, it’s usually because there an underlying need that is currently unmet. About 90% of the time, this will be an insecurity she feels about something, which she is displacing onto you. What she really needs to feel is your grounding presence: that you are a real man who understands her and her games. She by no means wants you to bend because of her controlling behavior. In fact, giving in to her is how you lose.

The only real way you can truly win is to not give in to her controlling behavior and to directly address the unstated need. Most of the time when a woman acts controlling, there is something else on her mind. She will most likely just need to express, vent, and release any negative energy that has built up in her. Once she has done this, she will no longer have the urge to act controlling with you. All you have to do is listen and be present for her. This will be enough for her to alleviate any stress, tension, or anxiety that she may be experiencing. You don’t have to give her solutions. You don’t have to take everything she says personally. By doing so, all of it will reveal your ability to look past her games, address her unspoken need for security, and resolve the true problem: her insecurity.

Final Thoughts

So, remember that she is not crazy, she is a woman. She experiences the world differently than you. She handles stress differently from you. She processes her emotions differently. Additionally, there are times where she may be more controlling and demanding than others. Just remember, sometimes she wants to be the little girl she hardly ever gets to be. She will need to talk with you, hug you, or lean on you. By understanding the real reason why she is acting controlling, you can take your ego out of the equation and really know how to give her what she needs. What she needs is a real man who can see through all her games, appreciate her for who she truly is, and be her true pillar of strength. And that my friend, can be you!

I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn!

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