All bets are off …
What we don’t understand we can make mean anything.
~ Chuck Palahniuk
Have you ever had a woman give you the cold shoulder in a MASSIVE way? Like, you guys were flirting, dating, relationshipping (yes I just made that word up) each other and then things went downhill and she wanted absolutely nothing to do with you? If you haven’t been in a situation like this: then I’m sure you know someone who has.
What I want to let you in on today is the reason WHY she does this. Because when you figure out the WHY then the “HOW to” deal with it becomes very easy. It becomes easier for you to come to terms with her behaviour (and move on if that’s what you want). And, it becomes easier for you move from “her not wanting anything to do with you” to at least getting back onto talking, interacting, and eventually “picking up where we left” terms.
Now, if I were to ask you the reasons you think a woman does this – what would your answer be?
Some of your answers may revolve around: “She’s just a cold hearted B*tch!”; or “She was just playing me the whole time”; or “She never had real feelings for me in the first place”; etc.
I know that when a woman gives you the cold shoulder it can be a very hurtful thing. The most extreme case of this would be in a relationship breakup. You guys have spent all this time together, you feel like you know each other inside and out, and you have some really good memories together. How can you go from a relationship so close, to no contact at all?
Well, I’m going to answer that question right now. It’s really quite simple. And, here is the answer. A woman gives you the cold shoulder for one reason and one reason only: “Self Preservation”.
Let me explain …
Most of the time you will experience the cold shoulder in two specific segments of the relationship cycle. That being in the initial attraction phase and the relationship breakup phase.
So, let’s talk about attraction first. David D coined the phrase, “Attraction is not a choice”. And, this is surely true for a woman. Because when a woman feels attraction for a man there is very little she can do to stop it. She cannot reason with herself. She cannot talk herself out of it. Most of the time she is running on autopilot.
Now, let’s say that a woman does feel attraction for you but there is something that is preventing her from wanting to progress. Maybe she is really scared of being hurt again. Maybe she is attracted to an unavailable man. Maybe there is something ethically wrong with being with this man for whatever reason.
If she continues to talk to this man, spend time with this man, do things that remind her of this man – then the attraction gets her every time. Meaning she will be back in his arms in no time. So, the only way she can break the “attraction spell” is REMOVE herself completely from the situation.
Attraction and infatuation can be closely linked – and in some ways they are like an emotional drug. You can’t go through a rehab drug program without cutting yourself out completely. And, in many ways this is what a woman does to prevent herself from falling any further into the “attraction spell”. Doing this of course sparks withdrawal symptoms. She may miss you, and it will take a lot of her strength to prevent herself from contacting you – but within a few days, weeks, months (depending on how strong the attraction was) this will wain and she will return to a somewhat normal version of herself.
Note: I’m not writing this to make excuses for women. I’m writing this because I want to give you a way that you can understand the situation instead of being frustrated, angry, or hurt by it. Because having these negative emotions pent up against women are not going to help you in the relationship department in the long run.
I have seen many men who come to a point where they get fed up with women. They hold resentment and anger towards the opposite sex and then they succeed at dating all sorts of beautiful women. It’s not the anger and frustration that creates the attraction – it’s the fact that a woman’s approval no longer matters to him. He is emotionally autonomous. But if he continues down this path then eventually it becomes difficult for him to have good quality long term relationships because he always has a wall up. He is always preventing himself for truly caring for another (in fear that he may be hurt again).
You can also become emotionally autonomous when you have a good sense self-esteem and confidence. When you know who you are and what’s important to you – you achieve the same thing with the capacity to have a great quality relationship with the woman of your choice.
This is what it’s about.
Getting back on track, the same thing applies to a relationship breakup. Women cut the contact from their ex so that they can make a clean break and start the healing process. They find it very difficult to do this when in constant contact with their ex-partner.
All of this is in the name of self-preservation.
So, where does all of this lead. It all comes back to the absolute power of attraction when triggered within a woman.
Most of the time when it’s a battle of attraction (illogical and visceral) vs. logic – attraction wins hands down.
It is also the reason why a woman will “say one thing” and then do another. If a woman is experiencing conflict it’s because her body wants one thing and her mind wants another. If you can help a woman resolve this conflict by allowing her to “let go” – you can accomplish all sorts of wonderful things. What’s most important is to remember that you need to “get a woman” on that visceral/emotional level rather than the logical one.
That’s why you can never talk a woman into feeling attraction for you or being with you. Because you are appealing to the wrong part of her brain. Doing that would be as futile and someone talking to you about food when you are starving and expecting it to fill you up. It won’t work. It’s futile. And, it would probably end up annoying the heck out of you after a while.
So, what can you do from here?
Firstly, it will make it easier for you to move on (if that’s what you want) because you can realize that it’s not about you – it’s about her. It’s not a personal attack. She isn’t doing it solely to spite you or hurt you. Most likely she is just in self-preservation mode. She may feel like she has been hurt and has put up a wall to prevent further damage.
Knowing this can hopefully help in getting past any anger, frustration, and moving onto acceptance of the situation – so you can move on without any resentment.
Secondly, knowing this will help if you want her to come back around. When a woman puts up a wall – it doesn’t mean that it can never be broken. It just means that it will take a little time and persistence is cracking that wall – so that she will learn to trust you again and therefore open up again.
I’m not saying that you have to break down every woman’s wall. If you choose to do that – then it’s your choice. No one is saying you have to do anything. But if it is YOUR choice to want to keep this woman in your life then this is an option for you. And, applying flexible persistence will be very useful in this situation.
So, now you know the real reason why a woman gives you the cold shoulder or cuts you off completely. What you choose to do with that – is entirely up to you.
I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn? Had a woman cut you off? What’s been some of your experiences?
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P.P.S I’m off to Bali for a couple of weeks for some island hopping. And, the laptop won’t be coming! So, I hope you guys have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. And, I’ll see you all again early in 2013!