All bets are off …
What we don’t understand we can make mean anything.
~ Chuck Palahniuk
Have you ever had a woman give you the cold shoulder in a MASSIVE way? Like, you guys were flirting, dating, relationshipping (yes I just made that word up) each other and then things went downhill and she wanted absolutely nothing to do with you? If you haven’t been in a situation like this: then I’m sure you know someone who has.
What I want to let you in on today is the reason WHY she does this. Because when you figure out the WHY then the “HOW to” deal with it becomes very easy. It becomes easier for you to come to terms with her behaviour (and move on if that’s what you want). And, it becomes easier for you move from “her not wanting anything to do with you” to at least getting back onto talking, interacting, and eventually “picking up where we left” terms.
Now, if I were to ask you the reasons you think a woman does this – what would your answer be?
Some of your answers may revolve around: “She’s just a cold hearted B*tch!”; or “She was just playing me the whole time”; or “She never had real feelings for me in the first place”; etc.
I know that when a woman gives you the cold shoulder it can be a very hurtful thing. The most extreme case of this would be in a relationship breakup. You guys have spent all this time together, you feel like you know each other inside and out, and you have some really good memories together. How can you go from a relationship so close, to no contact at all?
Well, I’m going to answer that question right now. It’s really quite simple. And, here is the answer. A woman gives you the cold shoulder for one reason and one reason only: “Self Preservation”.
Let me explain …
Most of the time you will experience the cold shoulder in two specific segments of the relationship cycle. That being in the initial attraction phase and the relationship breakup phase.
So, let’s talk about attraction first. David D coined the phrase, “Attraction is not a choice”. And, this is surely true for a woman. Because when a woman feels attraction for a man there is very little she can do to stop it. She cannot reason with herself. She cannot talk herself out of it. Most of the time she is running on autopilot.
Now, let’s say that a woman does feel attraction for you but there is something that is preventing her from wanting to progress. Maybe she is really scared of being hurt again. Maybe she is attracted to an unavailable man. Maybe there is something ethically wrong with being with this man for whatever reason.
If she continues to talk to this man, spend time with this man, do things that remind her of this man – then the attraction gets her every time. Meaning she will be back in his arms in no time. So, the only way she can break the “attraction spell” is REMOVE herself completely from the situation.
Attraction and infatuation can be closely linked – and in some ways they are like an emotional drug. You can’t go through a rehab drug program without cutting yourself out completely. And, in many ways this is what a woman does to prevent herself from falling any further into the “attraction spell”. Doing this of course sparks withdrawal symptoms. She may miss you, and it will take a lot of her strength to prevent herself from contacting you – but within a few days, weeks, months (depending on how strong the attraction was) this will wain and she will return to a somewhat normal version of herself.
Note: I’m not writing this to make excuses for women. I’m writing this because I want to give you a way that you can understand the situation instead of being frustrated, angry, or hurt by it. Because having these negative emotions pent up against women are not going to help you in the relationship department in the long run.
I have seen many men who come to a point where they get fed up with women. They hold resentment and anger towards the opposite sex and then they succeed at dating all sorts of beautiful women. It’s not the anger and frustration that creates the attraction – it’s the fact that a woman’s approval no longer matters to him. He is emotionally autonomous. But if he continues down this path then eventually it becomes difficult for him to have good quality long term relationships because he always has a wall up. He is always preventing himself for truly caring for another (in fear that he may be hurt again).
You can also become emotionally autonomous when you have a good sense self-esteem and confidence. When you know who you are and what’s important to you – you achieve the same thing with the capacity to have a great quality relationship with the woman of your choice.
This is what it’s about.
**End Note**
Getting back on track, the same thing applies to a relationship breakup. Women cut the contact from their ex so that they can make a clean break and start the healing process. They find it very difficult to do this when in constant contact with their ex-partner.
All of this is in the name of self-preservation.
So, where does all of this lead. It all comes back to the absolute power of attraction when triggered within a woman.
Most of the time when it’s a battle of attraction (illogical and visceral) vs. logic – attraction wins hands down.
It is also the reason why a woman will “say one thing” and then do another. If a woman is experiencing conflict it’s because her body wants one thing and her mind wants another. If you can help a woman resolve this conflict by allowing her to “let go” – you can accomplish all sorts of wonderful things. What’s most important is to remember that you need to “get a woman” on that visceral/emotional level rather than the logical one.
That’s why you can never talk a woman into feeling attraction for you or being with you. Because you are appealing to the wrong part of her brain. Doing that would be as futile and someone talking to you about food when you are starving and expecting it to fill you up. It won’t work. It’s futile. And, it would probably end up annoying the heck out of you after a while.
So, what can you do from here?
Firstly, it will make it easier for you to move on (if that’s what you want) because you can realize that it’s not about you – it’s about her. It’s not a personal attack. She isn’t doing it solely to spite you or hurt you. Most likely she is just in self-preservation mode. She may feel like she has been hurt and has put up a wall to prevent further damage.
Knowing this can hopefully help in getting past any anger, frustration, and moving onto acceptance of the situation – so you can move on without any resentment.
Secondly, knowing this will help if you want her to come back around. When a woman puts up a wall – it doesn’t mean that it can never be broken. It just means that it will take a little time and persistence is cracking that wall – so that she will learn to trust you again and therefore open up again.
I’m not saying that you have to break down every woman’s wall. If you choose to do that – then it’s your choice. No one is saying you have to do anything. But if it is YOUR choice to want to keep this woman in your life then this is an option for you. And, applying flexible persistence will be very useful in this situation.
So, now you know the real reason why a woman gives you the cold shoulder or cuts you off completely. What you choose to do with that – is entirely up to you.
I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn? Had a woman cut you off? What’s been some of your experiences?
P.S If you enjoyed this post then please click the “like” button below =)
P.P.S I’m off to Bali for a couple of weeks for some island hopping. And, the laptop won’t be coming! So, I hope you guys have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. And, I’ll see you all again early in 2013!
I can honestly say that I’m going through that self preservation stage right now and this kinda shed some light on the situation. I definitely don’t get any feeling that it’s a bad thing and I think all women should protect themselves from attraction vs what’s right for you. The thing that I’m worried about though, what if it becomes a natural thing to practice this whole self preservation passage, or in my term “just simply cut them off”? Is it unhealthy?
[...] Have you ever had a woman give you the cold shoulder in a MASSIVE way? Like, you guys were flirting, dating, relationshipping (yes I just made that word up) each other and then things went downhill and she wanted absolutely nothing to do with you? If you haven’t been in a situation like this: then I’m sure you know someone who has. [...]
“When the imagination and will power are in conflict, are antagonistic, it is always the imagination which wins, without any exception.”
~ Emile Coue
The above says it all. As you already mentioned, women are creatures of emotion and imagination. This is what dictates terms in a woman’s world.Learn to learn to read her emotions and guide her imagination and you can’t lose.
Great post Jennifer, as usual.
Enjoy Bali and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you as well.
Jason
In the end… i can only waiting her??
it’s very painful and frustrating!!
Yes I have had this happen to me. I met this beautiful woman from Poland and we clicked from since the first moment we met. She would write me poetry and even sent me goodnight texts. During our third date overlooking the city, she told me that she hasn’t been in a relationship for the last four years because of a bad break up. We over looked the city from in my car. While sitting we had a poetry contest, and she wrote me one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard. We kissed from then. Things got deeper, but when they did she suddenly got scared, then she told me that she had to go..from then, she became a ghost..Here’s a minor segment of my life;) Thanks HAF
I’m glad I stumbled upon this website. This topic appeals to me, however I’m in a new position with my other that has exposed my need to man up and grow my independent life. My wife has been involved in a startup company that takes all her time and requires her to be on the road 75% of the time. I feel like i’ve been put on the backburner to the business, social events, and everything around this company of hers. I have tried to put on a brave face but I feel like i’m failing in our 15 year relationship. She doesn’t respond to texts or voicemails. She’s going out to parties. To cut down on hotel expenses, we decided to get an apartment out of town where she does most of her work. Now my confidence (or lack of) in myself has been exposed and I feel weak and needy. I don’t know how to approach her to talk about these things without lumping on another big issue on her plate full of stuff. My conversations are very calculated and careful because I don’t want to come off as needy and weak.
She is a very tough alpha female and I feel like this is definitely something I can do – and need to do. I feel that if I can get my balls back and grow my own life again, it would be a good thing for me and would probably help get some kind of chase back again – where I feel she wants to be with me.
For now I don’t know if the silence from her is really because she is completely exhausted -which she says is- or because its something else. For some reason she always has the energy to go to parties and live it up.
-S
Hi
I’m choosing to let time and persistance help me bring back trust with my ex. We have a child together and see each other together often. My question is how do I persist without being annoying. She has put her walls up because I didn’t man up. I know she is fundamentally attracted to me but is the strong independent type. I have lots of opportunity to communicate with her but am wary that anything I say or do will be a perceived as a threat to her self preservation. I can see the truth in what you’re saying – I accept that mistakes I made are the reason for her pulling away – I just need some basic pointers on what you mean by persistance. I feel at a deep level we can be equals, but I don’t know how to demonstrate that. I really like not to screw this up.
This article is super insightful and really hit the spot!
Thanks for the holiday wishes, and we hope to hear the island hopping was nice! How have these bloggings influenced your relationship world? Perhaps some experiences from Bali illustrate. We’d look forward to reading a forthcoming post in this regard should you find the inspiration.
Thank you very much for writing this article!
Do you have any specific advice on “breaking down the wall?”
I have never been good at this dating stuff for one reason (actually lots of reasons but this is a biggy)
From all of the advice I have been getting from guys at an early age and that basically was, that it was a matter of knowing how to be a good pick up artist. I guess the term “pick up” gave me all of these ideas that If I knew the right secrets I could have the pick of the lot. The problem with this idea, while as unfortunate as it, it is true, was that I kind of resented this idea like i was able to control another persons feeling. It would be real nice to actually find a woman that liked something about me, like, apart from the ” male thing”.
Yes you argue that if I found a hot girl and knew I could have her I just would. That would not be entirely true. To me attraction is part physical and a lot if I really like her as a person. What makes a women real hot to me after the initial physical attraction is if she is not afraid to express her feelings and We can have meaningfull conversations.
I get tired of always having to define myself based on being a man and not just a human being. The irony is I may not come off at first as leader with confidence even though In everything else I shine in that area. The other problem is that most women are not able to distinguish the difference between those who ARE confident and those who are in the perpetual need of prove to the world and themselves that they are. For myself I have confidence in anything I understand and know I am good at. This is the first time in my life that I have ever read this kind of information. Had there been a woman with this level of intelligence and brutal honesty around when I was young I would have been spared a lot of heart aches. So I say this, better late then never.
According to self-help guru Tony Robbins, women want attention ALL THE TIME. If she’s being argumentive, it’s because you’re not doing enough to get her attention. You are not reading her singals and she gets upset. Of course these signals make no sense to a man because they are kind of like in a code that us men don’t understand because we think logically. By her getting upset, she is either testing or frustrated that you are not “getting it”. She is trying to tell you in a non-direct way.
Yes guys, all of you are on the right track. We independent women have a huge disadvantage compared to the non-independent ones. We can do it all for ourselves, so when it comes to considering potential relationships, we tend to think If I can do it all, why do I need him? And if he doesn’t bring anything to the table (increased joy, happiness, phenomenal sex, manliness) we are much more likely to walk away than a non-independent woman. That said, we are also much more likely to be sad and lonely because we can’t find a man to match us.
Logically speaking, all relationships work because both parties have something to gain from it (that applies to non romantic partnerships as well). Business partnerships don’t succeed if only one party benefits. The same applies to the male/female dynamic.
In the past, we women relied on men for everything. I have to admit, that sometimes in a rare while, I do dream of that dashing, manly man who will rescue me, and make it all better. But the reality is, the world has changed and we all have to fend for ourselves. So whats an independent girl to do? I still don’t know how to find THAT guy, but here is my list of what you can do for your women:
1) All women want to be in a romantic, long-term committed relationship. Even those of us who say we don’t dream of that one strong, independent, trustworthy, capable man who will change our mind are secretly hoping for a masculine man to partner up with. How do you show a woman you are that? a) Show you are reliable. Call. Women like to know you are thinking of them b) Take the lead. Don’t ask us out on dates passively, like: “Hey lets hang sometime” or “Let me know when you’re in town”, or “I’m meeting my friends at the bar, want to join?”. That is a passive way of asking someone out because it puts the ball in her corner to actually make the effort. Instead say ” I would like to take you out to dinner, are you interested?” That’s the manly way to take the lead.
2) Don’t be a puppy. You wouldn’t marry a woman who can’t make you feel a certain way, or a woman you don’t need in your life. Women don’t want that either. We want a man who will BE A MAN! The man I need is someone I can lean on, someone who will make me feel safe, protected, wanted. A man who is as strong as an oak. Even alpha females who are leaders in the boardroom, need someone to kill a bug, settle a dispute with a contractor, move furniture, fix the car or chase away the bad guys. I am not saying I need you to be my mechanic or servant, I can do all of the above myself. But when you do those things I feel protected, taken care of, rescued, and you come across as more of a man.
3) A woman with children needs even more. She is the sole provider and must be both a mother and a father. That’s a tremendous job. She has no time to be in a relationship with a man-child. If you can’t be the rock she needs in her life, if you can’t man up, then please don’t be there at all.
4) This is the most important way you can help: DO NOT TRY TO REDUCE ME TO YOUR SIZE. If I am a successful executive with the salary, car and home, and you have a problem with that, walk away. I want a man who will encourage me to grow, help me develop myself, inspire me to do even better. Don’t be like my last boyfriend, who was making me feel guilty and like a total bitch because I drive a better car. My car was so emasculating to him, that he tried for years to make me get rid of it in subtle, manipulative ways.
Alpha females want to date you. They want a man just as much as any woman. We dream of a guy who is strong, powerful, stable, trustworthy, giving, loving, affectionate but most of all masculine. It is totally OK to make less money than us. But please be a man in other areas of the relationship. Make a decision, call, communicate, take charge, be proactive, take the lead, be responsible, make no excuses, be faithful, be a real husband be a real father. If you can’t do that, then walk away.