The 90/10 Rule: Doing vs Being
“Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.”
- Thomas Fuller
While initially all my clients have been focused on getting things “done” and learning “new skills”, I am always steering them in what may seem the opposite direction. That being: developing their character, blasting through their limiting beliefs, and helping them take the focus off external circumstances they cannot control and back onto internal processes which puts them in the driver’s seat.
As part of this process, there is one fundamental misunderstanding that the majority of men make when learning the process of connecting and interacting with women. That fact is that women don’t date men based on ONE particular skill or quality. When women are in the process of selecting a mate, they are looking for an “entire package”. And, no — not the one that you may be thinking of. Therefore, the focus should not be on getting one component exactly right, but getting the right amount of components together and integrating them fully.
Let’s take the example of the iceberg. Now, the point behind the iceberg theory is that only 10% of the actual iceberg is visible from above the water. While a massive 90% is beneath the water.
Now, back to the dating world, what accounts for the 10% and the 90%?
Essentially, the 10% that you can see is made up of social skills, status, and what some may refer to as superficial preferences. Meaning, a woman would like to have them but they are not necessarily deal breakers if she doesn’t.
So, what does the killer 90% hang on? Well, maybe some of you can guess it – but all that hangs on character, presence, and self worth.
In other words, 10% is based on what you are DOING and 90% is based on who you are BEING. (This is a business principle business man Ken Blanchard talks about and it dam well applies here, too!)
And, some of you may be reading this right now and think, “Well I’m F***ed”. Because it seems so much more appealing and tangible to develop skills than it does to create a strong presence within yourself.
The good news that developing a strong sense of presence can come from integrating various parts of your life until they form a cohesive whole. When your life is fragmented and you have one area handled and another area in shambles, it can really confuse the way a woman feels about you. She can sense this fragmentation, this lack of self congruence, and it may mean the difference between whether she says yes or no to the next date; or yes or no going steady with you.
Another important part to note is that women can sense this within the first couple of minutes of meeting you. And, what they will be looking for over time is that the parts that she found appealing about you in the beginning, continue to run through your life. If when you first met her you were smooth, confident, and knew what you wanted out of life, and over time you start to lose that – then the question that will be running through her head will be, “Where was that guy that I thought I met the first time?” Which can lead to other questions like, “Did he fool me?”, “Can I really trust him?”, “What else did I potentially misconstrue about him?”
Now, obviously when you start to get to know someone better, you find out more and more about them. And, when you enter into a relationship you find out even more about their vulnerabilities and their fears and what not. I’m not saying that as soon as you show your vulnerabilities the potential relationship you were building is over. In fact, it’s far from it. What I am saying however is that in the initial stages it’s important to project a congruent version of who you are, which is integrated as much as possible. Therefore, it take pressure of you because there is nothing really “for her to find out”. You have been congruent through the whole process so, “What she sees, is what she gets”. A lot of women value this in a man. And, a lot of women find comfort in knowing that and it provides a much more solid foundation on which to build a relationship.
With this in mind, the average guy will usually want ONE skill or technique that will “Help him win with the ladies”. And, even if I were to suggest such a technique, it would be as useful as giving someone who has just gone bankrupt a budgeting tool.
It’s too little, too late. And, in the grand scheme of things it’s not going to make much difference at all. Going bankrupt was the effect. And, the change that you must identify the cause.
Therefore, the remainder of this article will be about how you can develop that 90% (which is what ultimately matters). The first part is awareness. Therefore, there are 3 core things that appear to be at the root of the majority of men’s problems.
1) An outdated identity
Men and women can have outdated images or versions of themselves that define how they relate to themselves and the world around them. For example, a 45 year old man, despite his current age, could still at heart believe he is still the 10 year old kid who was shy, got bullied, and didn’t know how to interact with people (let alone the girls). And, maybe deep inside he may still feel that way even though it’s 30+ years on and is no longer applicable. What does this mean? Essentially, it could turn out that no matter how much success he may or may not have with women there will always be a “cutting point” where self sabotage occurs when his reality conflicts with this identity. When this “cutting point” occurs, something has got to give. So, either he must change his identity or he gives up his current situation in order to re-enforce the reality of his current (and somewhat outdated) identity.
2) Self worth
When a man’s self worth is low or dependent on external circumstances, it can lead to a low emotional stability and difficulty in dealing with challenges in relationships (just amongst a few things). It can also lead to self sabotage, where a person can get rid of or run away from something that is actually good in their life because in their unconscious mind they don’t believe they are truly worthy of having that good thing in their life. As the famous saying goes, “You don’t need to prove your worth, you just need to know it”. When a man has self worth, it’s easier to be assertive, to ask for what they want, and to feel like an equal to all those around him. Having high self worth means that you generally feel your own sense of value and feel a natural desire and ability to share that with someone else in a healthy manner. Doing this is very different from going to a relationship for validation and approval, or in a hope that it will fill a void from within.
3) Limiting beliefs
I’m sure that you have heard of how damaging limiting beliefs can be not only in relationships but to a career or personal happiness. The ones that come up often in dating are: fear of being hurt or rejected, fear of intimacy, fear of vulnerability, the desire to be right rather than happy, and pride. When limiting beliefs run your life, usually you are living in a world of pain. And, because relationships and dating are so close to the heart (if you do manage to get someone that close), then that pain can be amplified. Like with anything, the first step is becoming aware of when and where these limiting beliefs are being played out specially in your dating life. It’s also important to note that these can creep up on someone, especially where the same person holds two opposing beliefs. An example of this would be a person who believes that he wants a relationship yet has an underlying and more powerful fear of intimacy or rejection.
When these three areas are resolved, then building a connection with someone and a relationship with them can be really quite simple. The main reason why people have such a struggle with this is because of the many contradictory beliefs, identities, and low self images they have within them, that literally pull them apart.
Like I’ve mentioned before, it can be like being in a car trying to move forward with one foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake. It’s a lot of effort and you don’t end up going very far. In the meantime, you are destroying your car, wasting petrol, and burning your tires.
For those of you that are reading and thinking “Ok, some of these issues might be playing up for me”, just remember the first step is awareness. As Nathaniel Branden put it, “You can’t leave a place you have never been”. So, congratulations.
Have I done your head in? Want something a little easier to digest and put into action? Check out my latest e-zine on 3 reasons why she won’t date you and exactly what to do about it!
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts. Did this blog provide you with any light bulb moments? If so, please share!
Hot Alpha Female