Where to draw the line …
“Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting in a particular way.”
So, for those of you that have been following me for a while, you would understand that I put particular emphasis on developing skills like: presence, assertiveness, and strength. What I often get asked is HOW to display this on a daily basis, particularly during interactions with women.
First, let me say that by displaying such skills comes from working on something “inside” rather than focusing on something the “outside”. It also doesn’t necessarily come from just doing a whole bunch of random things differently. It comes from selecting specific and particular areas of yourself and your life and masterfully putting the right pieces together.
So, what I’m saying is that developing these qualities is like art. It takes a level of skill, finesse, and experience to bring all different components of your life together. So, for those of you that are coming from a quick fix mindset of “developing presence” overnight – then you have come to the wrong place because something this great takes a little time, a lot of courage, and some serious application.
With that little disclaimer in mind, let’s continue on with one way you can start developing your presence. I’m sure you have heard a lot about the term self-discipline and all the fancy definitions of it. What I believe to be the true definition of self discipline is holding yourself accountable. In a sense, it’s making and keeping certain promises to yourself. When you can do this, you have more integrity with yourself and therefore, create a space where other people are more likely to hold you to it as well.
Drawing the line with you.
There are so many instances where I have seen men drop everything they are doing just because a girl is calling them or wants to spend time with know. Hey, if it’s an emergency and she really needs you there, then sure go. But if it’s because her party was canceled last minute and now she wants someone to hang with the fill out her lost time – then I wouldn’t be canceling your plans just so you can spend some time with her. If you don’t respect your time, then you can be pretty sure that she won’t either. Therefore, by staying true to the activity that you originally intended to do, you are putting boundaries on yourself and on this woman.
There are other boundaries you can make sure you put on yourself. The boundaries of holding close to your values and what is really important to you. If you don’t know what your values are, now would be a good time to think about them. Write them down. Review them daily, weekly, or monthly. After you do this construct a plan of how you can more truly live according to these values. Part of this may be sculpting your life to how you imagined it to be, rather than just falling into whatever comes your way. The more detailed you are the better. So, if you want to be more assertive, how will being assertive show up in your daily life? In your upright posture? In your strong, firm tone of voice? In the kinds of words you use? In saying No to certain people? In speaking up at work? How else?
Part of having a strong sense of presence and leadership will be placing boundaries on others in your life. Women in particular need to experience more boundaries in their lives. Beautiful or vivacious women are usually used to getting everything they want: from the bat of their eyelids or the quip of their wit. Therefore, these women are in serious need of experiencing boundaries (otherwise they will seriously try to undermine or walk over you). This is also important because displaying a healthy sense of boundaries will communicate that you are capable of protecting her. A woman will feel attracted to a man who is able to protect her emotionally, intellectually, and physically.
Helping her draw the line.
The first example I provided above is a way you can maintain a boundary on yourself and also hold one for the woman in your life. The next couple examples are of boundaries that help protect a woman from an embarrassing, awkward, or dangerous situation (physically or emotionally).
For example, if you are at a restaurant and the waiter brings out the wrong order, it will be important for you to say something. You can say something to your date (or girlfriend), and then do something about it. You can talk to the waiter and get a replacement. You can walk over to the waiter and sort it out with him. Whatever you do, do it in the style and personality that you would normally handle things. If you work yourself out of tricky situations by using humor, then do that. If you work yourself out by appearing to be cool, calm, and in control, then do that. I would avoid things like causing a big scene, yelling at the chef, throwing plates, and waving around a gun (unless absolutely necessary).
In doing this, you are showing leadership, assertiveness, and allowing the woman to be feminine. Women in general don’t like to complain to strangers or waiters. And despite her shit fits, women don’t like to kick up a stink (in public anyways). When you can still give her what she wants (a good meal) without her having to be embarrassed (you thereby being the barrier between her and in the world), she will feel a huge sense of relief from the protection and security she feels in your presence.
So, what can you do when the woman you are with (your girlfriend) starts having a Sh*t fit in the middle of the restaurant? The first and most important thing is that you don’t start having a sh*t fit, too. Let’s say she is pissed about something, or she all of a sudden seems edgy.
First you want to find out what is causing her to act this way. Is there a new danger in the environment that you didn’t see? Maybe an ex boyfriend, maybe her boss from work, maybe someone she wants to avoid, maybe a man that looks really suspicious, maybe there is something in her food. Whatever it is, you need to find out what has happened in the last 20 seconds that is making her act this way.
If you investigate and nothing has happened or changed in the environment, then her changed behavior could be because she is experiencing something internally. So, ask her what is going on. Then LISTEN to her. Ask her what else she is feeling. Ask her what she wants. Ask her what she wants to do. You might get answers like “I don’t know.” In that case, you could just tell her, “Take your time.” OR you could tell her that “If you don’t know, then maybe we should leave and go some where else.” OR perhaps you could just tell her “Just breathe.” OR you could say “I see you are upset. Maybe you don’t know what it’s about, but you don’t need to let the whole world know about it. Just me!”
Avoid condemning her or telling her she is acting like a baby. Listen. Respond with a firm tone of voice. Use humor. “Wow! I didn’t know you could chuck such a fit. Can you do another one tomorrow at 6 pm so I don’t miss it?”
The main point is to avoid losing your cool. By placing limits on what she does and communicating those limits with humor, questions, and attention, she can probably start to calm down. Also, when you respond with strength, presence, and tranquility, you are also setting a limit on her because women often look to the man to know how to feel about something. When you look and feel calm, she will likely calm down, too – also because women like to be in rapport with others around them.
In this way, by setting boundaries on yourself, others, and her, you are demonstrating leadership, assertiveness, confidence, and strength. This is attractive and can help you feel more in control of your life and the situation (which is another turn on for women).
I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn!
Hot Alpha Female
If you want to learn more on becoming a man, handling sh*t tests, and developing your boundaries <click here>