What Keeps The Spark and Attraction Alive?
“Each of us has a spark of life inside us, and our highest endeavor ought to be to set off that spark in one another.” ~Kenny Ausubel
Being able to create attraction is one thing. But, being able to maintain it is another. If someone were to ask me, “Which more is more difficult?” my answer would be the latter. Too often couples start with an amazing spark/connection/attraction for each other only to have it fizzle out a week, a month, a year, or 10 years from now. Is there really a formula which will enable attraction to keep on going forever? I don’t know all the answers, not even close but I would like to share with you all some of the things I believe are key to maintaining that attraction in the long term.
Now, I’m not going to go down the traditional route of all the typical relationship advice and say things like communication, listening, and understanding are all required. It’s pretty obvious that all of these are important. And, I don’t want to spend much more time on it because quite frankly I’m bored of it. Yes, they are all important. In fact, they help keep a couple bonded together and connected in various ways. But doing these things alone will result in a hot romance turning into a nice lifelong friendship if you don’t watch out.
I know a lot of men reading this post think that approaching a woman and having her say, “NO” to you is the ultimate rejection. But I think the real rejection happens when you actually get to know someone, like them, maybe even fall in love with them, and then they either tell you that they would prefer just to be friends or don’t tell you anything and just leave. That’s gotta suck.
Is there a way that you can prevent this?
The answer is NO. But you can minimize it.
With things like love, dating, and relating the most fundamental thing anyone must understand first is that there are no guarantees. Every time you meet someone you like, you don’t get to sign a disclaimer which says, “You don’t get to hurt me”. I think love and life has a lot to do with courage. The courage to take a risk. The courage to be truly seen. The courage to speak up and ask for what you want; even if some people won’t like it and others won’t give you what you are asking for. This is the premise of love. You can try and ignore it. You can try to refuse it. You can try to get angry at it and fight it. But all of these just take way too much energy and don’t give you much back in reward. The only answer is to accept it. And, if you really want to be brave: to fully embrace it.
Once you accept/embrace this premise we can move along to some strategies which I believe are really key to maintaining that attraction in the long-term.
1) Ensure there is polarity.
I originally wrote an article on the masculine and feminine energies here. First, you must identify your core energy [Note: a female doesn't necessarily have a core feminine energy]. Second you must identify that of your partners. Third you must ensure that these are complementary to one another. I.e. masculine and feminine (this is the best working combination).
I often see these in couples who have been together for some time (3+ years). The man starts out with a strong masculine energy and coaxes out the woman’s natural feminine energy. They have this wonderful honeymoon period and sparks are flying everywhere. Then slowly the woman due to either internal or external circumstances becomes more masculine. And, the more masculine she becomes (which is not her true nature but rather an overcompensation) the more disengaged the man becomes.
Because now, essentially, there are two men in this relationship. The real man and the woman pretending to be a man.
Therefore, he may become more feminine causing his woman to become more overly masculine – which results in him feeling different about his partner and wondering why he doesn’t feel so attracted to her anymore. Alternatively, he will leave and disengage himself from the relationship and find other sources where he can experience true feminine energy. When this happens the partner doesn’t feel like it’s safe anymore to be vulnerable and feminine and closes up to her husband or dominates the relationship even more. All this havoc is caused by two people who are not operating at their truest core energies. Therefore, it’s imperative to always come back to your core energy and ensure that your are complementary to your partner.
2) Create sexual tension and relieve it.
Being intimate with a partner that you care about and that you emotionally open up to helps create that exciting deep bond with your partner. When you are with someone you truly care about, being intimate can be a truly wonderful experience. Whether it’s the start of a new relationship and being intimate involves a kiss or a make out session. Or, it’s a long term relationship and being intimate is getting down and dirty – it’s important to create sexual tension and relieve it – with your partner. Remember to mix things up and experiment with one another. Create anticipation and surprise. Go in for that morning quickie. Make it a priority. Being intimate releases a whole bunch of yummy chemicals and is a great stress relief for both men and women. When life seems to get in the way – that is exactly the time when you should set all other things aside and spend some quality time with your partner. Make this a top priority and I’m sure it will pay off for years and years to come.
3) Avoid the comfort trap.
It’s so easy to fall into a comfortable pattern. A talking to each other in a certain way. A way of doing the same thing every Friday night. A way of relating to each other in a way that is comfortable but not necessarily fulfilling. I also happen to know a lot of people who leave a relationship simply because they were bored. There was nothing left in the relationship that was exciting to them. So, they end up leaving frustrated and not really knowing what went wrong.
To avoid this trap one must make variety and spontaneity a top relationship priority.
In specific relation to women it means making sure to have a good laugh with her; keeping her on her toes; calling her out; helping her set and maintain healthy boundaries; stirring her up at times; being playful with her; or experimenting new things with her.
I recently responded to a comment where a reader was asking how exactly he can support a strong and independent woman. And, in my reply I explained to him that support doesn’t always come in the form of listening, validating, and understanding a woman. Sometimes support comes in giving her some space to process her own thoughts; in playfully telling her that she is taking things too seriously and making her laugh; or it involves changing the subject so she doesn’t have to think about it and instead focusing in having a good time with her. And, just sometimes it involves saying nothing and instead just giving her a hug or a smack on the butt.
Now, I know that it can be confusing as to what action you should take. Relationships are not black and white. There are definitely shades defined by all the different colors of the rainbow.
The advice that I can offer here is that if you are doing something and it doesn’t seem to be working: please for my sake TRY SOMETHING ELSE!
Don’t be butting your head against the wall when you could using a sledge hammer. Don’t be butting your head against the wall when you can use the door. And, if that fails (and even if it doesn’t) then I ask you to listen to your gut. Be in “that moment” and do your best to hear what she is really saying beneath her words or her actions. Each and every one of you have this innate skill. How do I know this? Because, you are all human. And, when we can truly connect with ourselves it is SO EASY to truly connect with the woman or people around you.
I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn. What do you think keeps that attraction alive in a new or long term relationship? What have been some of your past experiences with this? Would love to hear your thoughts!
Hot Alpha Female