I think I flunked a Sh*t Test.
“A man’s errors are his portals of discovery.”
~ James Joyce
First a big thank you. I have bought both the dollar guide and the course for $99. They have changed my perception not just on girls but on life especially with the “be the best man you can philosophy”. I have been living in the dark ages till then.
However! I would just mention one bad experience. I became very pro-active with one girl in my office. We lunched and she became open friendly and yielding. We frequently went to lunch and became close. However as she was going to be absent from the office for 6 months we did not my mutual consent take matters further although remained very close. In the last two days at the office though she hit me with a major sh*t test. She became cold and pre-occupied. I rode this out with smiles and gentle comments and with an hour before she was due to leave she gave me a smile that would have melted an Arctic icecap.
But I flunked it Jennifer. In that moment I resented what I felt was manipulative and controlling behavior. So I didn’t say goodbye and avoided her. I sent her an email saying I was sorry to miss saying goodbye but she did not respond when she frequently had done so before. Now I feel as though I have behaved foolishly and perhaps hurt her.
It goes to show how careful you must be with sh*t tests. But do you have any sympathy for my initial reaction based on what I thought was flaky behavior from her?
Thanks for keeping me updated with your email.
I’m glad to hear some positive benefits you have received while going through the course. It seems that you have come a long way and like with everything certain skills need practice and refinement. Just because you hit a little road block does not mean that you have completely flunked. There was a lot of what you did right, too.
Now, let me first explain what may have been going through her mind 2 days before she left. I don’t know exactly what kind of sh*t test that she gave you – but I’m assuming that she would have been more withdrawn and doing her own thing – and probably not displaying as many of her emotions as she had previously.
Taking into account the situation you described this woman was probably acting the way she did because she had developed some feelings for you and possibly had mixed feelings about leaving for the next 6 months. She may have had irrational thoughts about wanting to be more of an item with you before she left, or she may have wished you communicated to her how much she meant to you before she left, heck she may have even been expecting a kiss. There are a range of different things that she could have been experiencing and not all of them would have been rational.
You say here in regards to her cold/withdrawn behavior, ” I rode this out with smiles and gentle comments and with an hour before she was due to leave she gave me a smile that would have melted an Arctic icecap.”
So, under the current circumstances acting like nothing was wrong (even though that is NOT what you felt at the time) was the opposite of what you needed to do and in turn would have only amplified her coldness. As stupid and irrational as this sounds: women want men to step up and fight for them. You know those romantic comedies where the man chases the woman to the airport and declares his love? That’s what she wants. But don’t look at me, I’m just the messenger here, I’m going to tell you how it is – not how you wish it would be.
In this case, you didn’t need to chase her to the airport, nor declare your love or anything that extreme. In this case, you needed to communicate how you really felt: through your actions. You needed to be honest with what you were feeling/truly perceiving at the time and NOT deny that. Of course, having honesty in your actions can be a lot more difficult to execute at times. Part of being able to handle a sh*t test is actually seeing “what” the underlying cause beyond her words and even her actions. It requires you to look at the broader context, to be fully present, and to have the courage to act in the moment.
Learning to attract and maintain attraction (and handle sh*t tests) is NOT about acting, or behaving in ways that are unnatural to you.
It’s not about being smooth or even saying/doing all the right things all the time. It’s about discovering what it is that you really want, truly connecting with that, and being able to demonstrate that to the woman/women of your desire without apology. Each of those elements can take a variety of women, relationships, and experiences to truly understand and execute.
In your case J, it was a simple case of mistaken identity. You thought that she was being flaky when really it was because she was insecure about having unreciprocated feelings about you.
How do I know she had feelings for you? Because otherwise she would not have acted the way she did. She would not have acted in a way that was the opposite to how she was acting to you in your previous interactions. Take it as an opportunity to learn something from. And, the great news is that she will be back in 6 months. You have not completely blown all the chances, not even close. This woman works with you. You in a way: have a captive audience. So when she comes back, here is your action plan.
1) Let her know that you noticed that she was gone.
I know it seems obvious but you would be surprised how many men miss this one. There comes a point where a woman “likes” you enough where “blowing her off and pretending that you don’t care” actually works AGAINST you. I believe with this woman you are past this point. Make a heartfelt/personalized in-jokes about some of the things you would do with her – that no longer happened since she wasn’t there. For example:
“Thank goodness you’re back. It’s just not the same without you. No-one makes my coffee the way you do.”
“No-one cracks bad jokes as well as you do.”
“(insert a in-joke here)”
*Then get her to come over and give you a kiss and a hug.*Make sure to organize a catch up time. Get her out on a date. Whatever it is make it personalized to the interactions that you have had with her in the past.
2) Be prepared for some coldness.
Women are cold/withdrawn for two main reasons. They are hurt or they are actually preoccupied. Since she has been away for 6 months she may have a lot of work to catch up on; she may feel a little all over the place being back while she settles back in; or she may feel a little hurt from the way your interactions with her ended up going before she left. Getting a woman to warm up to you again is very possible. It just requires some persistence and a series of interactions that remind and re spark those feelings she had for you before. So continue to break down her wall (if she has one) and look at how she is responding to you over a week or a month rather than PER interaction.
3) Continue to be fully engaged with your work and your life.
When she gets back it doesn’t mean everything stops just so you can regain her trust and her affection (if that is what you even want). When you are really engaged in your work and your life and you have things happening – it’s naturally attractive to women and other people in general. When you have authority over your life, it shows that you are very capable of leading your life and possibly leading her. So keep doing those things that keep you in passion and on purpose and naturally allow her trust for you to reignite.
All the best J, keep me updated,
Hot Alpha Female