Commitment: How To Get Her To Commit (Part 2)
Alright, so you have got this awesome chick and things seem to appear to be going well. Just one small problem. You can’t get her to the next stage – whatever that may be. Maybe you can’t get her to commit to the next date. Maybe you can’t get her to commit to be in an exclusive relationship with you. Maybe you can’t get her to marry you. Whatever stage it is – I understand it sucks. And, it can be incredibly frustrating. It’s for this reason this stage needs to be handled with a certain finesse. Why? Because now you have gotten to know her a little it; so if she rejects you it’s going to be feel personal. So, why won’t a woman commit in the different stages? And, what can you do about it?
Reason # 1: She’s not ready to commit.
Timing in any phase of dating is a big issue. Not only do you have to meet the right person, but you have to meet the right person at the right time. I can tell you right now majority of women in their early to mid 20′s are a bit more free spirited. They want to explore life, find out who they are, really get stuck into building their career, and experiment with life a little. They also have a lot more choice of available men who want to date them. So, trying to tie them down too soon, could send off alarm bells. Women in their late 20′s to their mid 30′s are more looking to settle down. They may have already established their career, feel more settled with their life, and therefore want marriage and to start a family. Women in their late 30′s to late 40′s may have gone through a first marriage or long term relationship and can be quite hesitant to jump back into a relationship. They want a real test of YOUR commitment and really need to feel (who you are as a man) before they are willing to open their hearts back up again. In short, the main challenges you will deal with younger women are certain insecurities they have about their abilities and sense of self. With older women the challenges involve being able to trust you and outbursts which may be tied to bad past experiences.
Action: Identify which stage your partner is at. The stages that women are going through are not always directly related to their age. You will find more mature younger women and more immature older women, too. So, it’s about making an individual assessment for your specific partner while using these stages as a guideline. Take a step back and see where your partner is at with her career. Ask questions about what she plans to do in the next 5 years. Find out what her immediate goals or objectives are in regards to her life. This will give you a good basis to figure out where she is at. From there also have an understanding of what stage of life you are at and what you want to accomplish in the next 5 years – and see if their is a match.
Reason # 2: She’s scared of commitment.
A lot of women who make a point to say how “great” single life is, with a little too much enthusiasm – can sometimes be a pointer towards the fact that at this point in time they believe they “don’t need a man”. Now, there have been many stages in my life where I have been single and it is a great time. But there is a difference between being single with a closed heart and being single with an open one. Usually the women who are really enthused about their status follow up their enthusiasm with trash talk about men and with phrases that can be summed up with “being with a man is pointless”. This is a woman who is trying to recover from a relationship or maybe has developed these views because of her childhood experience with men, or perhaps the way her mother related to men. You will also find women who will only want to commit up to a certain point. Meaning everything seemed to be going smoothly but now she just won’t budge when it comes to committing to be exclusive, or moving into you.
Action: Take an assessment of this women and determine if this is a woman that you want to be in a relationship with. If you decided she is then do the following. Help her work through her inability to commit. You don’t do this by telling her how awesome she is and how great it will be in you were together. You want to help guide her to this realisation herself. The best way is to actually ask her exactly what she is afraid about. Use the vague answers she will initially give you for more questions that will dig a little deeper. Usually a woman will be afraid to commit because of a fear of something. Find out what that fear is, bring it to light, and you can help dissipate the commitment issues, while building trust, and displaying leadership.
The last reason, is that a woman simply doesn’t want to commit to you. I left this one last because it can be a hard one to swallow. I speak from experience on this one, back when I was dating 3 or 4 different men at the same time. One of them really wanted me to commit but I kept dragging it out. Another one I liked but he didn’t want to commit to me. Then a 5th guy that I met while out one night took me by surprise and within 2 weeks I was in an exclusive relationship with him. So, it wasn’t that I was unwilling to commit – it was just that I wanted to commit to the right guy. I can tell you this – some relationships are a struggle to put together. And, others just seem effortless and natural. When you meet person who is good for you – you will have an instant connection with them. Whether that be a spiritual, mental, emotional, or physical one – I guarantee that one or more of those components will be there.
So, when you have a woman that simply does not want to commit to you – then it’s best to give her the gift of missing you. Permanently. You will save yourself an constant uphill battle and open yourself many more possibilities.
I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn. Ladies, what are some of the other reasons why you won’t commit? Men, what are your thoughts?
You can check out part 1: On how to get her to stop pushing for commitment here.
Hot Alpha Female
convince her that you’re a frog and you will turn into a prince after. done deal! :p
I often find that older women who haven’t yet committed, sometimes have a problem committing because they’re holding out for “Mr. Right” (looking at self)
Haha
BUT! I find a ton of guys (ones I’ve dated) who are completely terrified of commitment, and it gets worse as you get older!
Lennie Ross
http://lennierosswrites.com
Why is it that women drag these things out? Why is it that women can’t be honest and just say that they do not like the person? At the same time, why do women expect the opposite from men?
This is the perfect way to break down this infmortaion.
I think if you find you’re chasing a commitment when she is hesitant, you have to ask yourself: Why do you want to rush things? Are you scared she’s going to leave you or lose interest if you don’t push for more? Does the fact she is seeing other men or have one foot out the door make you feel uncomfortable/insecure?
Get to the bottom of why you want to push for commitment in the first place. I strongly believe it’s best just to see how the relationship goes and take it one day at a time, if you find yourself wanting to jump ahead, then there must be a fear that’s pushing you to do it.
On the other hand if your request is reasonable, and you’ve been dating for months or even years and she is STILL hesitant to commit – that’s why you need to start asking yourself some different questions: Do I really want to be with someone who isn’t sure she wants to be with me? Can I be with someone who clearly wants different things in life (maybe she doesn’t want marriage with kids).
All these are tough tough questions – but I think it’s really important to ask yourself to get to the bottom of what it is you REALLY want and what it is she REALLY wants too.
Deejay, you have a great point. Women are only doing themselves a disservice by not being honest. Unfortunately, women are often taught to be polite and women are also conditioned to be afraid of confrontation. That’s often why they stay in the wrong relationship. They also stay, because they have low self esteem, and either don’t think they can find better even though what Therrien doesn’t work, or they are afraid to be on their own.
Ignore my typos in my last comment. It was supposed to say even though what they are in doesn’t work
@Ashley: Hey girl, good to see you over here! You make some very valid points and I think it’s a great first step to first assess why YOU would be the one wanting to push for commitment in the first place!
@Lennie Ross: I absolutely agree with you about why women act the way that they do. Even if a woman is in a relationship that she isn’t 100% happy with – she can still convince herself to stay with that man because the fear of being alone is greater than the pain of being in a relaitonship that she is only 65% happy with. It’s a harsh truth, but it’s what is happening out there right now. I think that both men and women BOTH do things to each other on the “not so nice” spectrum at different times.
Hot Alpha Female
it seems to me that women can’t commit to us men anymore. there are so many men like us that want to meet a good woman, and have a commitment as well. with so many women cheating now, and having the rotten attitude that they have today, certainly makes it much harder for us men that are looking. i am very tired of the bar scene, and being in my late fifties, makes it especially harder for me to meet decent women. it is even very hard to start a conversation with them, since they will walk away from me. women have definitely changed over the years, and for the worse. once women’s lib took over, it messed up their head and many of the women today think that their SHIT DON’T STINK. so many UNEDUCATED WOMEN that are out there now, very sad. years ago meeting women was certainly a lot more easier than now, and having that commitment was there.
What if the problem she reveals is her own fear of making the same mistakes she made in the last relationship she was in. Ala she didn’t have enough time to focus on herself, she was to into the relationship and opened herself too much and got burned. How would I respond to that?
@ Brandon: More often than not, entering into a relationship with someone is going to bring up old issues. The only real way to deal with these issues when they surface is to respond in a way that was different in the past so that the person can move beyond them OR repeat the same pattern over and over again.
Remember that a woman’s commitment issues are HER responsibility and in many ways she is the only one that has the power to overcome her fears. You can however make it easier to overcome her fears and make it a safer place for her to do so.
So, in this event – just listen to her fears, get her to talk about them, and explore them. When you are doing this the main point is NOT TO BELIEVE HER FEARS. Continue to act and speak about the relationship in positive terms. In many cases when she talks about her fears and realizes that they do not affect you in the negative way or in a way that makes YOU uncertain – it will be easier for her to loosen the grip the fear has on her.
Hope this helps,
Hot Alpha Female
in my opinion, women are not looking for men anymore like they once did. years ago, many women were a lot easier to meet. we are living in different times today where the women like to go out and party a lot, and are certainly not looking to settle down like many of them did back then. today many women have very high paying jobs, and are even making a lot more money than many men. women and men had to accept one another for who they were back then, since many men and women were not making all that much money at all. many women of today seem to want to date as many men as they can, instead of just having one to commit to. for many men like us that are really looking for commitment with just one woman, will certainly have a problem finding that special one.
Truth is, men are trying to tie women down and possess them because of what paul had mentioned from above. And yes, there’s a lot of domestic violence in relationships and marriages because women simply cannot commit. Also, when women can’t commit and just date as many men as they can, not only they end up getting verbal abuse like being called a slut, whore, etc., they end up with unwanted pregnancies and STDs. Women on average, tend to have a lot of men to choose from because we kill so many female babies in this world just because we think they are a liability while men are left with only little to no women that they sometimes end up stealing other men’s wives or girlfriends and getting them pregnant. Sometimes they rape them too.
This was an interesting article, and you had a lot of new ideas and concepts to share with me from a woman’s honest point of view. First I think it is very good to speak of a woman’s inability to commit. I never thought about that because it is not what I’ve heard on radio, etc.
I’m 30, looking to get married. Just discovered what my priorities are and it is empowering and motivating. They are God, wife/marriage, children, home, career, and personal interests, in that order. If I love my wife, the children will have a happy home but not vice versa. W/o marriage, all I’m left with primarily is God, career and personal interests, and the later two get boring and old anyway. I am ready for this.
I’m courting this girl I met on a christian dating website. After I decided to make getting married a top priority and work at it, I logged on and met someone. I am abroad, teaching English, that’s why I went online. She’s Ukrainian, beautiful, seems to be going well, good spirit. I have been excited. Before this I was depressed, and now a little manic depressive. I think we really (according to chat) seem to get along and share interests, values and agenda. I am excited to meet her.
the one thing that really really bothers me is that she is very very busy at the moment with her job, 50+ hours a week at the moment, and sometimes distant and unavailable mentally. I think she likes me and wants to continue this courtship. I don’t think it’s that although the doubts do come to mind. She apologizes for being very busy at the comment. She says she is waiting for a man to find her, she will simply say yes when she meets the right man. I get so drained and tired when women are working so hard and unavailable. moreover, I want to be the provider, and that’s what she wants as well, so we would have to reverse all this. We can I think but in the short run it is tough, and she hasn’t always messaged me with her schedule. I have to learn how to communicate and state expectations and all that. It is so early on I sometimes don’t feel I can yet have expectations. I have been practicing patience. I realize though, that it is probably good preparation for marriage, and even if I don’t get with her, this will all help, because I must trust in God to provide me a wife and show me the way. But to communicate sometimes is the hardest, at the times when we most need to, from the depths of our pain. I think with men, it’s partly that they don’t feel respected, and also they want intimacy, but a lot of it is I think a biological instinct to want to protect their women and children, and when they don’t know where they are or what they are doing, it can be crazy making.
I need to sort this out somehow for the long run. I have never met her in person, we have only skype chatted. I don#t want to rush things. Slow is better. Slow is actually faster, even, I believe, and superior, but that’s only half of the equation. the other half is consistency. Slow and consistent seems to be the formula. Sometimes things get hung up, especially in our wicked modern confused culture. In many ways I am in a better place with greater understandings than before, by the grace of God, but oh I still have issues and difficulties and emotions and questions. I will continue to court with the Direct Method and do so one woman at a time, so I can focus on her, until I determine she is not for me. That is what creates such wild emotion and thought, but while it isn’t always easy, I think it has the advantage of being Proper and Excellent. It is after all what brings these issues to light. Even though they are painful, they are only painful because they are exposing the disorder which is in our lives, and that is good so we can fix it. I advocate strongly a return to propriety and proper conduct, for both men and women! I know I am idealistic but there is function in this. It requires learning patience, love, not keeping a record of wrongs, etc. It is not easy but I think it exposes disorder more earlier so that it doesn’t crop up surprisingly in the marriage. Thank you for this opportunity to share my story. It has already helped me process some grief. Blessings in love and life.
A guy’s priority is wife and marriage because they are the ones pursuing them. Girls have to be quiet about marriage or else, they are looking for sex only. And there’s a reason why we set girls up for arranged marriages. To control their behavior.
@gregory-Women are taught to drain men. What they really want is a persistent man who is a stalker.
We hear a lot about a woman’s inability to commit because they are taught that it’s not feminine to express feelings of commitment nor court a man. They man has to be the one to express commitment and court a woman. These are strict gender roles.
@gregory-Ukranian women don’t court men nor find them like North American women do. It’s usually the men finding them and courting them. Ukranian women tend to be emotionally unavailable like North American women. Men are still the ones chasing and stalking them. And women, if you date a Ukranian man, you are not allowed to court him, nor objectify him. He will retaliate by getting sexually aggressive with you, especially by assaulting you because he thinks you’re using him and that you’ll abuse him and then he feels emasculated. Be careful. Ukranian men, like North American men are the boss and they make the decisions. So you ladies better appear aloof, cold, uninterested, indifferent, and mysterious. Ukranian men like women like that, especially married or committed women.
i am a straight man looking to find love again, especially after my wife cheated on me. i was a very good, loving and caring husband that was very committed too. now it is very hard for me to connect with the right woman again, since so many women nowadays like to cheat so much. women are definitely a lot more nastier too, and trying to start a normal conversation with them is very difficult these days. now that i am in my late fifties, it is even harder for me to even connect with a woman more my own age since they have so much baggage.
women years ago did commit to their men, and today it is hard enough as it is for a single straight guy like me just finding the right one to commit too.
the women of today have certainly changed, and they are nothing like our mom’s were back then. women were much more committed, and they accepted their men for who they were. many women today make much more money than many men do, so they really don’t need a man in their life like they once did. since many women now think that they are all that, they will go with the loser men anyway. most of the women are looking for men that have money today, and i do feel very bad for these men that are being taken advantage of. i want a woman to accept me for who i really am, or they are not worth meeting at all.
the women today don’t know how to commit, like they did years ago. it was definitely much easier meeting women back then, and most of them were very committed to their men as well. so very hard for us good straight men looking for a love life again, especially coming out of a divorce which our wife’s caused by cheating on us.
Great post and great analysis as well. Just like men, some women are immature, others are selfish, others are very selective and others are financially independent and can not find a reason to be in a relationship rather than money.