Where is she? There are more than 3 billion women on this planet why can’t I just find ONE! I’m sure that has probably gone through your head at one point in time. And, I know how frustrating it can be. So, this post is for the frustrated man who just can’t see to find that special women. Let’s take a look at an email a gentleman named R sent me …

Heya Jen,

I wouldn’t say that I’ve mastered attraction, but I have exercised it enough that for the first time in my life women are finding me attractive and I at least know enough to keep improving. Attraction isn’t my issue, and as I read more I find the gurus constantly going over old ground but never addressing what I believe is the massive bottleneck in my dating life.

Where the expletive deleted are all the single women?

I’m not meeting them. The world that I live in seems to be entirely populated by couples and single men, and every effort I have ever made over the years to meet single women has just brought me into contact with single men out looking for women with the same idea as me. For example, I took up jive dancing recently (which I love) but the classes are full of IT guys and the women are outnumbered.

I live in Oxford in the UK, a university city, there must be tens of thousands of young women here. Maths tells me that there must be a number of single women out there to equal all these men but try as I might I just can’t find them. An abundance mentality self-deception can only be pushed so far before it seems a bit ridiculous in these circumstances!

Do you have any thoughts on this? If you were the woman for me how and where am I supposed to find you? Is it possible to build a lifestyle where attractive single women are automatically coming to me? If so how?


It was hard to think about what to write in response to this email – but only if I believe your story about not being able to find attractive single women.

And, I don’t.(And, I’ll show you how this can benefit you in the long run and help you find that woman or those women)

Your inner world controls your outer world. Learn to improve your inner world, and your outer world would be affected too.
- Remez Sasson

What you believe you can or can’t do; can or can’t see – completely determines the way that you see your world. It’s that simple. Our beliefs are SO strong that despite what anyone tell us, we will believe them to be ABSOLUTELY TRUE. Think about it like seeing the world in purple. And, then everyone telling you that it’s green. And, as hard as you try to see your world in green – you despair because all you see is purple. You need to change the color of your filter if you want to experience something different. Now, don’t get me wrong. I will give you some strategies on where to find the single women – but the truth of the matter is that it’s in your mindset.

If you are committed to finding single women out there, then you will.

There is no doubt about it. If you are committed, you will go to that nearby university and find a way to meet the women there. You will move to a city where you know there is an oversupply of single women. You will change your job, change the places you spend time at, change anything and everything to put yourself in situations to meet these single women. But coming from a constant place of “where are all the women” is a self defeating question. The real question is: Are you truly ready to fully receive a woman that is single, attractive, and highly available?

So keep that in mind as we go through some strategies that are aimed at getting you out of that mindset to help you get IN FRONT of good quality and attractive women.

1) Keep an open mind about how you could meet her.
Some of the happiest couples I know met each other when they were not looking. In fact, take my best friend for example. One night, I really wanted to go out dancing and have a good night out. I had to struggle to get her out the door. And, boy was she resisting. When we got there, we had a dance, and were just relaxing outside on the deck and this guy (now her long time boyfriend) started chatting her up and the rest is history. Random encounter in a pub/club of all places. You can find someone special in the most random places. You can meet people online. You can meet people in other states. You can meet someone a little younger than you expected. And you can meet someone older than you thought. The truth is that you have to open to meeting someone who isn’t quite what you were expecting, but in actual fact is someone you were truly looking for.

2) Start noticing just how surrounded by women you are
Just start noticing where women are. Whether they are old, whether they are young. Whether they are pretty or not. Whether they are dressed nicely or wearing frumpy clothing. Just start noticing where and when you see a woman in your environment. And, then I want you to start counting. I want you the count the women you encounter in your life. Whether that is passing them by the street, working with them, talking with them on the phone. My guess is that unless you live in Antarctica those numbers will start piling up. And, while you maybe be thinking, “But HAF these women are NOT datable” – it still proves to be a very important step in my grand master plan. What does it accomplish? It doesn’t trick your mind into an abundance mindset – it CONVINCES through real life experience that there is an abundance of woman around you. See, the truth about “faking it till you make it” – is that you know that your faking it. It isn’t until something feels “real” to you that you can really believe it and once you believe something – that is when you can really integrate that mindset and start to experience your world in a whole new way. You see the brain will always look for what you are asking it to look for. However if you have a limiting belief – something that colors the world in a specific way then it will be hard to see something that is right in front of you.

3) Focus on what you control rather than what you can’t
How about restructuring that question, “Where are all the single women”, to, “Ok, I know single attractive women are out there so where are the women that I would find interesting be?” This is a two part process because first you have to determine what it is that you want in a woman. What kind of values, and characteristics does she have? Then you have to ensure that you are the kind of man that a woman you want would really be able to relate to. In fact, if you have not even completed this step yet, then I would focus on THIS before anything else. It takes the responsibility of finding all the women (which in some ways is putting the responsibility on something that you can’t control to an extent) and putting it back onto yourself. One of my favorite quotes is by Naomi Judd which goes along the lines of “You only get to be a victim once. After that, you’re a volunteer.”

R, you are not a victim to this situation. It’s not like all the single attractive women are all there hiding behind the wall and smuggling laughing. In fact, some of those women are probably thinking to themselves, “Gosh, where are all the good guys around here?” And, while I could play matchmaker, I’m not going to – because it’s not because you can’t find her, it’s that you don’t want to.

So, why don’t you want to find her R? What are you afraid of? Why are you using this as an excuse? Go inside, ask those hard questions, and free yourself from those limitations. When you can do that, then you can completely recolor your world and see an abundance of attractive, single, available women who were always there, but that you just couldn’t see.

4) Get into her mind and think where would she be?
Once you have established the kind of values and characteristics you want in a woman; and you confident that she would be drawn to the kind of man that you are – then put yourself in her shoes and ask, “Where would I be?” “Who would I spend time with?” “Where would I hang out?” “What would I do after work?” “Where would I spend my weekends?” Would you find her someone in the vineyards wine tasting or would you find her at the shopping mall. Will you find her in a pilates class or at a trendy cafe? Will you meet her on a hiking track or more likely find her watching a movie with her friends? Whatever the kind of woman that you desire, think of the places she would most likely hang out and then go to those places. You may be thinking, is it that simple? And, the answer is HELL YES! Once you have changed the color of your internal world you will start hearing and noticing different things.

Look, I’m being really honest in this post, because I have been where you are. As a woman I have asked myself at times, I wonder where all the great single guys are? But only after some self reflection did I realize that they were always there. It was just that I was scared. I didn’t want to get back out there and start dating yet. I didn’t really know what I wanted. I didn’t want to put myself out on the line. So it was an internal thing, not so much an external thing. And, for you I’m suggesting that first you look at the internal stuff. And, I’m absolutely 1000% certain that where you make a few simple shifts you will see a real difference in the abundance of attractive women you can date. All the best R.

Note to women reading this post: I know you are all out there! The same applies to you. Just replace “her” with “him” because the principles are still the same. And, as a woman I know how notorious those lists and high standards can be when it comes to the men we date. But can I just say that the best relationship experiences came around 1) when I was looking and 2) when I wasn’t expecting anything. Keep that in mind. And, if you are single and available, say hello in the comments section to give these men a SPARK of hope! Because I know you are all out there!

I’ve had my say, now it’s your turn!

Hot Alpha Female

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