How To Get The One You Want … Or Not.
Problem: You really like this ONE girl, but for some reason you don’t know how to spark her interest. And, the harder you try, the more futile it appears to become. I get the same emails from a variety of different men all with the same fundamental problem, which I want to handle once and for all.
So, I ask you one question: Why this girl?
And, I’m sure that you will notice your mind start to spit out all sorts of different reasons. She is so funny, great, kind, attractive, different, etc. Some of you may find yourself drifting into some mental coma fantasy, dreaming about all the wonderful things you like and would like to do with this woman. Some of you may not even know what you like about this woman. In fact, all you may know is that you have the hots for her bad.
So, this leads me to the second problem I see. You like this girl and you have no freaking idea on how to get her interested in you. You don’t know how she feels. You don’t know how to spark her interest. You don’t know how to get her to breakup with her boyfriend and start dating you etc.
Alright, so I see the problem(s). Just so you know: I get it. I even Googled it to see what other men are experiencing out there, too. In the pickup community they call it “ONEITIS”. In fact the community’s disposition towards “oneitis” is that it is a horrific tragedy and complete confirmation in your lack of “getting this whole pick up thing”. Because pretty much every guy in that community has gone through the process of obsessing about one particular girl and doing all sorts of random crazy stuff (which didn’t work) to get her to like them. And, I get that, too. So, right now I’m going to explain where all the “crazy” comes from; why you obsess so much about one woman; and most importantly what you can do to regain some damn control!
So, here is your wakeup call. You, my friend, have an addiction. And, it’s not your typical food, drug, or alcohol addiction – but it’s far more dangerous. Many of you don’t even know that you have one – yet it is there lying just beneath the surface. So, here it is: the woman you are obsessing about; the one you think is the perfect girl for you; and the one you feel like you would do anything for – may all just exist in your imagination. What do I mean by that?
Simply, that a lot of men who are infatuated by a woman or have her on some kind of pedestal are addicted to a particular fantasy about her. One that cannot be fulfilled by attaining her, or being in a relationship with her.
One that this woman cannot possibly live up to. More importantly, such fantasies can be created within seconds of meeting a woman and prolonged over minutes, days, months, and years of interacting with her on these false assumptions.
Let me give you an example. Have you ever come across a girl who you just thought was perfect? And, have you seen yourself rationalize or explain away (or make excuses for) all the bits about her that were not so perfect (and maybe you didn’t even know that you were doing it at the time)?
I mean, she may be moody sometimes and a little complicated, but you really like that about her. She is not like all the other girls out there. She is different and unique. She is a not a bitch even though she acts like one. She is kind of cute when she smiles and even more so when she frowns. It’s not that she has a bad temper; it’s just that no one else understands her. And, hey even though she still has a boyfriend – you can’t stop thinking about her, wanting to be with her, believing that if the two of you could just be together – everything else in the world would make sense.
You think I’m being over dramatic? But, this happens all the time for men and women.
And, the most damaging part is that NONE of you can see it. The most damaging part is that you are unconsciously putting this woman up on a pedestal and creating a fantasy about her that SHE can’t even keep up with. You are setting that person (and yourself) up for failure.
Because you know what? One day, someone is going to wake up. Maybe it will be you. And, when you realize that she isn’t the person that you thought she could be, you may morn the end of that fantasy for more than a day. And, maybe it’s her that realizes that you are not with her for who she really is … but who you imagined her to be. The bottom line is that it ends in complete tragedy. Or worse yet – the latest and greatest romantic comedy released by Warner Bros.
So, I know this is all very depressing and enlightening all at the same time. Here is what you can do to ENSURE that you are not caught up in this addiction and that you will prevent it from happening to you in the future. These activities are inspired by John Demartini who has an incredibly powerful strategy aimed at clearing and neutralizing highly charged situations in relation to yourself and other people. So, here is what you can to do:
Think of 5 traits that you really admire about this woman and for each trait do the following:
1) Write the specific trait, action, or inaction that you like or admire most about this person. Be as specific as possible.
For example, instead of writing “cool chick”, ask yourself why is she a cool chick? Is it because she has consideration for others, has a boyish sense of humor, has a really easy going attitude, etc.
2) Write the initials of those individuals who see or have seen this trait, action, or inaction in you until you can say that you own this trait, action, or inaction. Write a minimum of 20 initials.
For example, for Rob Smith just write RS and continue with the initials, RS, HB, KI, LO, TY until you write a minimum of 20 initials.
3) Describe how is this trait, action, or inaction in this person is a drawback or disservice to you. Write at least 20 individuals.
For example, for the trait sense of humor, one of the drawbacks could be that it can be annoying at times. Instead of writing out “can be annoying at times” you can simply write the initial of each of those words, so “cbaat”.
Now, what will answering these 3 simple questions accomplish exactly? Well, the reason why you are so infatuated with this women is because you believe that she has something that you don’t have in yourself. For example, you think she is the funniest girl on earth, yet you don’t appreciate all the times in your life where you have had your friends and family members rolling on the floor laughing. And, as part of this fantasy, you assume that if you date her, somehow you will miraculously be able to acquire and revel in her traits.
After doing this process, you might feel less incomplete. You might feel more whole. There might be a feeling in you of nothing missing.
Additionally, the third part of the exercise will help you see that a “sense of humor” also has its own drawbacks. This process is aimed at helping you dissolving the fantasy that some traits are better than others. Is having a sense of humor better than not having a sense of humor? Well, I think there are times when we are funny and other times when we are not. Sometimes it’s appropriate to have a good sense of humor and other times it’s not. Part of the process is really owning the fact that we have all sorts of different traits in us and to accept them all.
What this process can do is get you to the point where you feel like nothing is missing before you even get the girl. You don’t need to have her anymore (especially for your own personal gain). You don’t have this burning, craving fantasy swelling up in your head just waiting for you to come crashing down. Now, I know some of you may be thinking: “BUT I WANT THE GIRL – THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT!”
Patience, my friend.
I’m not talking about taking away the dream of spending time with her. I’m just talking about a way we can level the playing field so you have a better chance of seeing the truth, and therefore, (if you decide she is still worth going after) she can experience a true sense of YOU.
You see, when you come from a place where “nothing is missing”, the fantasy dissolves. Then you can see her for who she really is, instead of who you want her to be. That means that if you do get with her, there will not be a this huge honeymoon period, which then comes crashing down. You will come from a place of love, balance, and awareness instead of one-sidedness, infatuation, and fantasy. Not only that because you will no longer be putting her on a pedestal when you interact with her, you will be less nervous, tense, and anxious. You will realize that she is human just like you and that you both possess the same traits that may just be on display at certain times.
You see, everyone can be funny, everyone can be kind, and everyone can be smart (within particular areas). Equally, everyone can be boring, everyone can be cruel, and everyone can be stupid (about different things). That’s the real beauty of it all because we all possess those traits. And, when you can see a balance of all those traits, you can more profoundly care, love, and appreciate someone for who they truly are and not who you want them to be.
Give it a go guys. It will blow your mind =)
Hot Alpha Female