How To GO When She Says NO …
Ever just done something with a woman and then later when thinking about it – just wanting to cringe at what you did? Well, I get emails from you guys all the time with moment like these that you wished you could take back. Here are two readers who have dug themselves into a bit of a hole and here are my solutions on how they can get out!
Ok so ive had this crush on this girl for about nine months. She was with this guy and then they had problems, the broke up then tried to work things out but just within the last 2 weeks they decided to be done for good. Well i finally got the nerve to ask her into a relationship by saying, u know i really like you so when u feel like u can be in a relationship again could we give it a chance. She said let me get on my feet and heal a little bit. I said ok and didnt say anymore about it.
I’m fairly confident that she does need time to heal but Id like a second opinion. Also does this always mean what it says or is it a way of saying no.
Thanks alot, C
Ok, so I’m going to tell you exactly how I see it.
1) Two weeks after a breakup is very soon. This is also dependent on how emotionally involving the last relationship was. Translation. Too soon, she needs some time.
2) As a general rule don’t ask a woman to be in a relationship with you until you have been out on a few dates with her. Anytime before that is just a little creepy.
Even if she has had enough time to heal from her breakup and she was ready to jump into another relationship – you did the one thing that pretty much fails 99% of the time.
You basically asked her to be attracted to you. You don’t ask. You have to CREATE DESIRE. She has to want to be with you. She has to crave your attention. She has to feel like she “needs” to be with you.
Let me paint a picture for you which I think you will really relate to. It’s like a chick rocking up to a date, in the ugliest fat pants you’ve seen in your life, without having showered in days, with terrible breath, food in her hair and saying to you, “Let’s make out!” Your first reaction may not necessarily be to jump her.
So when you ask a girl to be in a relationship with you without creating that desire and attraction – her first reaction will not be to say “Yes!”
If you were to ask me what your plan of attack should be, here it is.
1) Acknowledge to her that you understand she needs some time.
2) When you interact with her – tease her, make her laugh, elicit a variety of different emotions from her.
3) If the opportunity arises GET IN THERE! You want to gain more physical comfort with her. Get in her personal space. Touch her in respectful ways which trigger her sexual urges. For example, guide her when walking by placing your hand on the small of her back, brush against her hand, arm, neck at different times where this may seem more normal. If you are helping her with her jacket and you lightly brush her near these areas and don’t apologise for it!
4) Note that helping a woman going through a breakup may put you in the friendzone. You want clear boundaries here. You can encourage her to meet up with her girlfriends if she needs to cry and vent. You make sure she knows what you intentions are. For a sexual, intimate relationship rather than her friend. It’s important to be strong, to lead, to be assertive, and to place boundaries on her where necessary. Don’t be worried about if you are going to do the right or wrong thing. Get in touch with your real feelings, what you really want to do as opposed as to those random fearful thoughts that run amuck in your mind.
Now E, back to your case. She has said that she needs some time. So, you are going to respect that. You should limit your interactions with her. Make them highly emotional and intense. Teasing, fun, flirty, and light. And, then you are going to do a small test every week to gauge her receptivity to you. These tests vary, but they are all designed with the intention to getting her on a date, getting more time with her to spark attraction, and then maybe getting into something more exclusive (as she realizes she has the hots for you and is quickly forgetting her long lost ex boyfriend who is looking kind of lame next to you).
Hi Jennelli (a.k.a. Hot Alpha Female),
Firstly, I read and purchased your guide about attracting women, as well as watching your other videos on YT [youtube] and it gave me a lot more confidence and insight about women, so props for that.
So there’s this girl I fancy from my workplace, we exchange small talks every now and then. We know quite a bit about each other but I’m just not quite sure how to “advance” since we only see each other 1-2 times a week for only a few hours, in a busy working environment so there’s very little opportunities to do so.
Just today, I used what little time I had to talk to her, and the conversation ended up a bit awkward, mainly my fault, because she thinks I like another girl who also works at the same place, lets call her Sophie. So she said, ” I think you like Sophie.”, and kept asking me if I do. I’m not sure if this qualifies as a ‘sh*t test’, but I got a little carried away at the end and I end up kept asking her why she thinks that way, and made her uncomfortable.
By the way, I haven’t added her on facebook nor asked for her number.
So what should I do now, as in how should I act next time I see her, and do you have any other tips for this kind of situation?
Thanks in advance,
E, well I got some good news and I got some bad news.
The good news is that she likes you and she was gauging the kind of female competition circling around the area.
The bad news is, that you missed a really great opportunity to spark attraction with her.
What’s the general rule when it comes to shit testing. In the long run you need to develop a rock solid self esteem. It’s that simple. Because it will be that self esteem which clearly communicates to you how NOT personal her shit test is. Then, it doesn’t matter what you say it doesn’t even matter how you say it. Because she will be able to feel your strength and your presence through all the words and actions.
This is an ongoing process. And, it’s because many of you are still developing this that you ask me for specific examples of how to deal with a shit test. I assure you that when you build on the self esteem and you practice some assertiveness skills – handling shit tests will be a walk in the park.
So, E, this is what you could have said in your last situation. I give these examples so you can get a general feel of the way you should respond to a shit test. It’s not so much what you say. It’s what you truly want to communicate to this woman. That you know how to handle her with ease and confidence.
Here are some examples of how you could have handled it instead;
Her: So, what do you think of that Sophie chick?
You: What do you want me to think of this Sophie Chick?
Her: Ummmmmmm, I don’t know.
You: Well you shouldn’t ask questions that you don’t already know the answer to. If you were thinking of becoming a lawyer I would strongly advise against it.
You: In answer to your question, I think Sophie is smart, intelligent, and very interesting. (your chick is probably experiencing despair at this point in time)
You: But …. Pity she’s not my type *wink at her and proceed to walk away*
Breakdown: You want to show her that you are onto her. That you know what games she is playing. And, you want to show her that you know she is insecure about safety and assure her that she isn’t a threat. You aim is to remain in control and un-phased by this question.
Her: What do you think of that Sophie Chick?
You: What do you think of George Clooney?
Her: Errrrr. Ummmmm. But you didn’t answer my question.
You: Oh, I thought we were playing that game called “let’s ask random questions to which we don’t want to know the answer to” *smile*
You: Here’s the deal. Let’s go to coffee right now and I’ll tell you.
Breakdown: You are playing her own games here. You are showing her that you can match her. You also are being really smooth and casual about getting her out for a coffee.
Her: What do you think of that Sophie Chick?
You: Why? Are you jealous? …. Because that will mean that my devious plan has been working. *smile and walk away*
Breakdown: Walking away is what builds up that anticipation and mystery. Attraction can be created by a creating “vacuums” by which a woman will find herself wanting and desiring you. Part of wanting and desiring means that she will have to appreciate your company. And, it’s sometimes harder for a woman to appreciate you … if you are in her face 24/7. Don’t be afraid of leaving her hanging at times. That’s what helps create that excitement – especially in the beginning.
Her: What do you think of that Sophie Chick?
You: *smile at her* You look really cute when you get jealous.
Her: *starts back tracking* “Oh, I didn’t mean anything like that … I was just curious”
You: And, even more adorable when you are backtracking.
You: I think you’ll have to make it for it by buying a coffee. Now would be a good time. Let’s go …
Breakdown: She is experiencing insecurity about how you feel about this other chick. Plus she wants to know how you handle a tough question. You see it has nothing to do with Sophie. It has everything to do with her insecurity. She likes you. She likes the attention she gets from you. And, she feels threatened from someone who could potentially take that away (even though you guys may not even be dating at this point).
Now, I’m definitely not saying that you have to use those lines in that exact way. They are there for demonstration purposes so you can understand the context behind them. You first need to identify what she really needs. Is she feeling insecure. Is she seeing if you are tough enough to handle her comments and her questions. And, then you want to demonstrate to her that you understand and you are un-phased by her apparently devious actions. Show her that you are strong enough not to be swayed by her games and her challenges.
So, back to your case C, the next time you interact with her, make sure you handle her sh*t tests smoothly and effortlessly. In fact, use the sh*t test to get you on a one on one date. Don’t add her to facebook. And, the next time you interact with her focus on keeping it light, entertaining, and interesting. You want to build on that attraction. Re-read my guide if you have to again! When you have that attraction she will literally be the one throwing herself at you and begging you for a date =)
That’s what I have to say!* To my readers* Do you have any other suggestions for these guys?
Hot Alpha Female