The Difference Between Attraction And Relationship Skills
There is an interesting phenomena my attention has been drawn to recently. It’s noticeable when a man has little problem attracting a desirable woman, yet witnesses a barrage of challenges in keeping her interested and happy. This can be devastating and (not to mention) baffling.
It doesn’t make sense, unless one becomes aware of the difference between triggering attraction and developing a relationship.
I’m drawn back to a memory of reading David Deangelo’s “Double Your Dating” which exposed me to a myriad of theories and skills to attract a woman. Yet, all he teaches about “keeping” a woman interested is boiled down to one line. That being, “once you get a woman, keep doing whatever you are doing.” And it’s not nearly as helpful or truthful as one might first think.
If this was the truth then pick up artists or men who learn about seducing and attracting women, would all have a great relationship with a woman they truly desired. Instead, they end up dodging from woman to woman, temporarily trying to satisfy an insatiable need. You could call it skimming the surface as these men are cautious and want to pull the plug before it gets too deep. Anything deeper will only open a whole can of worms, which for the moment do not want to be uncovered.
Therefore, it’s better to focus on the next woman, as she will be dazzled by her attraction for him.
That is, until she gets to know him better. That’s what he is terrified of the most. The worst part, is that he can’t admit this to himself. So, he’ll run, he’ll get angry, or he’ll absorb himself in mindless sex. But all of this resembles the analogy of being hungry and using junk food to rid the hunger; a hunger only a good home cooked meal could satisfy. So, there are two things that I want to share with you.
The first is that some pickup artists actually have NO INTENTION of finding one good woman.
Eventually, they will but many feel the urge to rebuild their self esteem and ego first. This, may be due to it being severely damaged in the past.
Therefore, the woman he is with now is repaying the debts of all the” other” women who really shattered his self esteem.
I get it and I understand that it is all a process.
The second category is for men who simply don’t have to skill set to attract women. Maybe there wasn’t a strong male figure who they could really model. Maybe no one taught them to: cultivate their own assertiveness, develop into being a man, or give them those gems about women that only a lifetime of experience could teach.
The first step in any kind of personal growth experience is the awareness in one’s ability to change. A mixture of self responsibility, courage, and the willingness to learn are all components required in creating a life that “designed” with purpose. Each and every man has his own timing to come to this conclusion. Some of you reading this post are already here, others are not. I write for both of you. For the men that have reached this awareness. And for the men who are not ready yet, I look to provide a beacon of hope which will guide you back here when timing permits.
Quickly Gaining Trust vs. Deepening Trust
When you first interact with a woman, you must act and behave in certain ways which quickly gain rapport and trust, from: asking her questions, touching her at the right times and places, or communicating that you in fact are a real person (not some guy just trying to pick her up at a club). The ways to develop rapport are lengthy and endless. Let’s not forget that it actually does work!
When, you start building a relationship with a woman she’ll want to experience depth with you. She’ll want to know all the different sides to you. Additionally, she’ll want to know that she can trust you when: things get tough, you want to zone out, or you are under pressure. She could do this in a positive or a negative way. For example, you could notice an increase in her curiosity about your personal life and investigate how you respond to certain situations in the past. Alternatively, she could pick a fight with you and see how you respond. One is more passive and the other more active. She may even do both to see if how you respond in the past (what you told her) correlates with how you responded with her in the present moment. She’ll expect the truth from you and she’ll be looking for congruence in what you tell her with how you act. Additionally, she wants to see this in EVERY AREA of your life. This is of course VERY easy to do, if you have developed your life into an authentic and real experience. Problems occur when you past projections of yourself are not congruent with your current projections of yourself.
The more congruence she can see in your words and actions throughout the different dating stages, the more it will allow her to be more: open, receptive, appreciative, feminine, and authentic with you.
Furthermore, the more she feels like she can reveal all aspects of herself to you, the more she will trust you. So, when you start seeing your woman acting a little moody or not so much herself, this is an opportunity for you to step up and show her that you CAN HANDLE all the different aspects of her. The good and the bad.
No one wants to be liked or loved only when they are on good behavior. As human beings, we have the innate need to be loved “unconditionally”.
Therefore, she will test to see if you can still love and appreciate her, even though she is not herself or upset about something. If you can: step up, empathize with her, change her state, and show her that you still accept her. Then she will feel: an innate sense of security, love, and trust with you. All of this will cause her to feel a deepening and progressing of the relationship. If you find this hard, then also put yourself in her shoes. When you make a mistake, get angry, or stressed wouldn’t be an amazing experience, if your partner could still love and accept you through it all? Wouldn’t be great if she didn’t hold it against you? Wouldn’t be amazing if she actually thought it was amusing and got you to laugh at yourself too? Wouldn’t that be a moment where you could bond and deepen the relationship? Yes, that is what it is about, taking challenges and using them as opportunities to build trust, love, and acceptance between the two of you.
Competition vs. Teamwork
When you first meet a woman there is an underlying battle of the sexes going on. Will she bow to your leadership or overpower you? Will you reveal your assertiveness and stand strong, despite her efforts? Who is the one that is going to give in first? Who is the one that is going to win? That’s why they call it “the game”, because there are all these little nuances which tally up to the final scoreboard.
So, what happens when you have earned your win? Does the competition still continue? Do you find new and better things to compete with? Well, a little playful competition with each other can help to increase variety and fun in the relationship. But, predominately there must be a shift from the “I win, you lose” mentality to “how can we both win?” A shift between “you and I” to “team”. I hate to state the obvious, but you have to realise that the person you are in a relationship with is not your enemy. They are your friend. And you are both in the same boat. Furthermore, the boat gets destroyed when you are trying to bomb your own ship.
Bombing your own ship involves hurting your partner by: ignoring them, giving them the silent treatment, getting angry at them, and deluding yourself into thinking that you are not hurting yourself and the relationship in the process.
This doesn’t mean that you are two separate people molding into one, far from it. You must be able to: retain, nurture, and cultivate yourself in this process.
A relationship is always two “complete” and “whole” individuals coming together to create their own “private universe”. One which no one else understands except the two of you.
Equally, this private universe must be treated with the uttermost respect. This means that you have the best intentions for yourself and the best intentions for the relationship you are developing. This involves supporting and exploring, rather than attacking one another. Nurturing this private universe involves: emptying the negative, building on the positive, identify and meeting each other’s needs, accepting one another and providing a safe sanctuary in which both of you can come to play and rest. Therefore, the only way to align the both of these is proper communication. Now there are plenty of ways which you can do this, but this must all be based on the correct underlying assumptions. You don’t learn proper communication, for the reason of finding more effective ways to win against your partner.
You learn these methods BECAUSE you understand: you have needs, your partner has needs, and the relationship has needs. Proper communication is the bridge between all of these.
As you can see, developing attraction and building a relationship are two very different things. Attraction is about: gaining trust quickly, asserting yourself, taking the lead, and winning.
There is a difference between applying attraction triggers and being a man that draws this out with his presence. There is a difference between understanding a woman on a high school degree level and knowing her on a PHD level.
A relationship is something that: grows, takes on its own life, and propels you into personal and spiritual development. It is always a vehicle, which will reveal more to yourself than any other area in your life. It will uncover your deepest fears and with your permission free them all from you.
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