How To Date Strong Independent Women!
Why would you want to date a strong independent woman? She’s fun, she’s feisty and she has a mind of her own. She knows how to take care of herself, the people around her and her life. She can match you on your level, inspire you to grow and she can contribute as well as she can receive. She knows and understands her worth and she has the self esteem to back it up. You can be satisfied in knowing that if she is with you, its by her choice. Because she wants to be with you, rather than because she feels she needs to be with you (the neediness and dependence is what causes most of the drama).
But what does a strong independent women really need to spark her interest and ignite her fire?
Match her on her level
Now strong and independent woman are used to doing a lot of everything on her own. She knows how to take care of herself and the people around her very well. In fact she may be “extremely comfortable” with the ease at which she feels she can manage her life. Therefore when you approach and interact with these women initially they can seem to have a “cool” disposition towards you. They may give you some challenging situations and conversations that are intended to put you off guard. And you can’t blame her for this, she is simply seeing if you are a guy that can handle her independence. She wants to know that you will encourage it, nurture it, rather than overrun it, or try to take it away from her.
Many men shy away from strong independent women for a number of reasons. The first is they don’t feel like they have anything to offer them (she seems to have it all together) and the second is that they don’t know how to handle her. You handle her by meeting her at the same level in which she challenges you!
It will be hard for you to create and maintain attraction with a strong and independent woman if you are not a strong and independent man. As you will not understand her sense of life. Her way of living. You will not see the world as she sees it and this will create conflict in the future. To really truly appreciate a strong and independent woman, you must also understand what it is like to be strong and independent. Because then the two of you have a foundation (a solid one) to build upon.
Just like two people with mismatched self-esteems will be unable to hold together a relationship, the same will happen if you do not experientially understand what it is like to be strong and independent. You will be a mere observer of her life, an outsider, rather than a person who truly understands her inside and out. And that’s what she needs.
When you know you are on the same level as this woman, than it is easy to pass her tests or challenges. Because you will know when to assert yourself as you will equally know when compassion and empathy are required. You will allow her to take the reins at certain times and you will know when she needs her space or a shoulder to lean on. You will be able to communicate with her in a way that develops a deeper understanding of herself, yourself and this relationship (whatever it may be) that you are forming.
Support and encourage instead of squashing her independence
Understand that strong and independent women are very comfortable with their own space. They have their own interests, their own friends, their own comforts, their own career, their own life. You cannot strip this away from them. And why would you? The best way you can encourage her independence is to support her goals short term and long term. Not in this cheerleader, “yay lets celebrate when it all goes well”, kind of thing. But suggest ideas, be a sounding board which can help her on her endeavors, be strong for her when she comes across a rough patch (and believe me, at times she will) and be invested in things that are important to her too.
Remember she is still a woman
Strong and independent means drama free and no BS right?
If when you ask this question you are wondering if there will be any emotional outbursts, if she is going to be rational most of the time and controlled in her emotions, then you have another thing coming. She is still a woman. And remember that women process and come to conclusions through a different way than men. She feels everything around her. She absorbs the energy of others. Even though she is strong and independent she will still need a safe place to fall. At times she will need to vent, to empty herself out of all these negative emotions and fill herself up with good positive yummy ones, which you can help her with. Remember she is still a woman. She is not just an attractive, overly emotional man.
Where does she need you? Well a woman can’t experience that masculine and grounding energy by herself. She needs that from you. You can be her rock and she can be the waves, tumbling all around you. And that is where she will feel the most at home. You can be that source which she constantly feels drawn to, time and time again.
Note for women: Don’t use this strong and independent personality as a cover for your insecurities about being in a relationship or false beliefs about men. This pushes men away as they do not know how they could possibly contribute to having any form of romantic sexual relationship with you.
Truly strong and independent women, have the ability to be vulnerable, accepting and transparent when required. They have the ability to ask a man when they are in need and to receive. They can also allow a man to assume the leadership position, without constant power plays and use of manipulative techniques to maintain control.
So men, feel like you can date a strong independent woman now? Would love to hear your thoughts!
Hot Alpha Female
I really like this post.
Something that I keep noticing is that when male writers create strong female characters they often miss out something very important, which is the character’s feminine side. They don’t seek, as you put it, “masculine and grounding energy” and that makes them very unconvincing and, I think, very unattractive. Lara Croft is the prime example; in personality she’s basically a man.
I’m very attracted to strong independent women. I couldn’t be in a relationship with a person who couldn’t hold her own in intelligent conversation, pursue her own passions and always surprise me with intelligent thoughts and insights. I may have set the bar punishingly high for myself.
@rich: Yes. What I see you as referring to, is “strong women” being portrayed as so highly independent, they have no urge/desire to need or want to be with a man. This is simply unrealistic. I think women like this are portrayed like this because it really does put some men into awe. But the truth is, very little men, would actually want to date this type of stereotypical woman.
I wouldn’t say these standards are high, I would just say that they are very specific. It narrows down the field. Provided that you have the energy and the level at which to match a woman like this that you describe, you will be able to attract her into your life =)
Hot Alpha Female
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I love this one as well. You’re really growing into this gig
Yeah I’ve been pretty much disqualifying a lot of women because they don’t fall into this description. Actually the former frontrunner right now just blew it for herself by slipping into the power games and all I could think of was “how the mighty hath fallen”, but I also know that a lot of the time this may not be intentional but as a result of second guessing or listening to other women or Cosmo
(about the worst garbage ive ever read usually). Anyway great note for the women 
While she slips though, other women have made up some ground with me too 
I can also picture you saying “oh stfu already and just go get laid” hahaha
PS as someone who’s met Ms Fox irl, you may want to choose another pic
@fatty: No, I like this picture. That’s why I chose it. She kind of has this “come get me, but only after you pass my cold body language shit test” look.
Remember fatty, that women can use power games at the beginning as a SHIT test to see how they can really push you. All this requires is assertiveness and the ability to show them that you are in fact, able to handle their shit tests. Once you have demonstrated this, you will be able to determine whether her whole character is based on shit tests and power playing, or whether she was just gauging your strength and presence. Because once she gauges you have the ability to be assertive with her, place boundaries, she will significantly reduce the amount of times she tests you.
A lot of the alpha males I know and have met in the past, have a very solid respect and appreciation for women. Remember this too fatty.
Hot Alpha Female
“Before you get to know her” shit tests are fine, that really is the beginning. It’s the after the fact or post-great date shit test/power game that I have issue with. This has happened to me a handful of times before when things go great initially, so great that I think the girls think that they’ve been too open, forward and maybe a bit too easy to begin with and second guess themselves and retreat back to a hard to get/unavailable mode and blow themselves out of the water. I notice at least this is more of a problem with younger than older girls. This is probably the third time? this has happened to me to really notice a pattern, but this is a point when you should just ignore Cosmo (not even sure if Cosmo has written about this?) if it went well it went well, there’s nothing more you should do. All the guy wants from that point on is the great girl he’s been spending time with up to this point!
Yeah so if I know this, why don’t I just go along with it? because it’s setting a precedent and at least a standard. If I let it slide, it would be saying to her that I do tolerate her childish games when really I don’t for anyone. I had to think about this when she did eventually come back again, she had completely ruined the initial positive vibe and I more or less preferred talking to the ‘competition’ at that point. I think it was the model Iman who said something like “a good relationship always needs some tension” so it may just be the girls trying to create that, but imo my best ones have never been like that and it just pisses me off lol
There’s something about the term “shit test” that gets under my skin. I think it’s because I now know that ALL women will ALWAYS test a man . They do this as a way to feel your strength, and to know that they can trust you to be true to your purpose. ( meaning you are who you present yourself to be and that you can meet and deal with the challenges that life presents you with. Most of these test are sub-conscious, meaning they do consciously decide to test men ( * note if this is done intentionally it is more a form of manipulation that anything)… the bast way I can describe it is…. like a dance, the feminine pushes against the masculine to feel it’s strength and ( hopefully) the masculine meets and faces the challenge of the feminine , she feels this strength and it temporarily satiates her desire … until the next dance.On and on it goes (shrug).
Once you have loved a strong independent ( and I might add sexually aware) woman , there’s no going back. Once that bar has been raised nothing else will interst you.
Thanks for a wonderful post Hot!
@fathamburger: So you think that these women who are testing you are really doing it because they have read cosmo and because they want to create tension in the relationship? Women will test as often and as intense as they need to, until they feel that whatever need it is they want is met. Usually they just want to see more assertiveness, more leadership and once you start getting to know her more, empathy, compassion and understanding.
If you are finding that that a woman is shit testing you more and more, it either means one of two things. The first is that she has issues. The second is that she doesn’t feel like you are passing her shit tests and is making them harder and in more doses to give you more opportunities to pass them. When you give up, when you discredit the shit test, when you invalid it, you FAIL. But hey its ok to not pass the shit test, if you are not interested in the girl.
Its up to you to decide whether or not she is shit testing you and you are not passing them or if she is shit testing, because she has self esteem and drama issues. This is something you are going to have to decide on a case by case situation.
Hot Alpha Female
@Jeff: I think you describe what is happening really well. Yes women do what they do to coax out and encourage the presence in a man. So that this is something that they can experience too. That strength, that masculine energy, that grounding is what they crave. As this is a lot harder to experience without a man. I can tell from your writing you have a really deep understanding of women, thanks for you insightful comment =)
Hot Alpha Female
Great blog with some sound advice. You’re so right, at the end of the day a strong and independent woman, is still a woman – with normal feelings & emotions that you would expect in all women. It also does not mean that she does not want to be loved and cared for within a relationship.
@AS: Thanks for stopping by again and so glad that you enjoyed the post =)
Hot Alpha Female
I’m attracted to strong independent women (and dominatrixes) but have been unsuccessful in having the kind of permanent exclusive relationship I sought. Although many women seem to be able to accept guys who male-model panties on the internet as a fellow fashionista blogger, dominant women seem less inclined to have an exclusive relationship with someone like me, not that I’m really looking. I haven’t let go of my first true love yet (40 years later). She is interested in being fiercely independent and apparently she doesn’t want to feel weighed down by an emotionally needy aging sissy.
@Panty Buns: What you describe here does not surprise me at all. Despite what women may say directly to you (women that you are actually dating), they do not want to be the leader. Now some women will say that they do want to be the leader and the dominant one because they are actually scared to not have that control. But they will be willing to give that up, provided you can show them that you really are a leader that she can trust. You do this by being assertive, self assured and protecting her from threats to her emotions, sense of self or the relaitonship. Every woman wants a real man, its just that some have a harder time admitting it.
Like I mentioned in my post you are going to need in order to create and “maintain” attraction of a strong and independent woman you are going to have to “become” a strong and independent man. There is no short cut. No quick fix. If there was I would tell you. So start redirecting the attention and focus you have on this “lost love” and put that towards developing into a stronger, more present and assertive man.
Hot Alpha Female
These articles and discussions are really helpful. I am working to understand this better and clearly have a lot of blind spots. Here are some follow up questions I would like to see addressed sometime (with deep appreciation believe me).
How does a guy make a woman feel safe especially emotionally? In the intial stages of attraction how does this come into play? What about later?
I would love to see some examples contrasting being assertive and dominant vs. being inflexible and over bearing.
I think my biggest problem is I put women on a pedestal which leads to approval seeking behavior which leads to
Thanks for the insignts and help.
Brett
This really really helped me. I am dating a more strong independent woman and we were honest with each other and told me straight forward I wasn’t being what she needed. We talked it through and worked it out but the thing was she wasn’t sure what she needed either. Reading through this article was a breath of fresh air on how to love her without suffocating her and to be there for her and to challenge and push her in her own life without forcing myself into her life.
Thank you again for posting this, this definitely helps me to understand how to treat her better and how to be around her without suffocating her. For me it’s a little harder because I want to be involved in her life just by knowing about her day and encouraging her through the day but I don’t want to be annoying. How can I do that? How can I encourage her without being annoying so it feels like she is being overwhelmed?
@Brett: Thanks for some great questions. In the inital stages of attraction a man can make a woman feel emotionally safe by clearly knowing what he wants and not being afraid to go after it. Know what your intentions are with her and stand by them. Gently lead the interactions, while taking into account how she is responding. Some women will be very tentative to let a man take the lead. Over time you can show her that you are someone she can trust and thereby she will follow your leadership.
The same thing happens once you are in a relationship with her. Make sure to keep up the fun, challenge, and excitement. Tease her now and then. Organize a date nights that are usual, try new and different things with her. Show her more about your life and what is important to you. Really be present when she is opening up to you. When she is upset, make sure to really be there for her. Help her create and maintain boundaries, let her feel your strength and leadership that way.
It’s a little difficult to come up with examples of the difference between assertiveness/dominance and being overbearing/inflexible – because how you respond depends strictly on the situation and being able to read your woman.
There is a fine line between being dominant and being inflexible. Here is how you distinguish it. You are being dominant by actively making suggestions (with thought of what she would and would not like), leading conversations, protecting her in times of need. Being dominant is about knowing what is important to you and knowing where your boundaries are. This does not mean that if a woman suggests a restaurant that she likes that you WON’T consider it simply because she suggested it. In fact, it can show MORE dominance that you are strong enough to be open to her suggestions and have a strong sense of self that you are willing to let her lead now and again. So, I don’t want you to say NO for the sake of saying NO, just because you think you are being dominant.
Realize that this will come naturally to you, and you will be able to respond to each situation accordingly when you know where you boundaries are and what you are willing and NOT willing to put up with. When you respect these, and you stand by these the woman will unconsciously do the same.
@David: The most important thing you must feel when dating a strong and independent woman is that at the core of your being you truly feel you are worthy and deserve her. More so, that you have much to offer her and that you are both incredibly lucky to have each other in your lives. This will help ensure that NO ONE is putting ANYONE on a pedestal. Thing can only spiral down into power plays, manipulation, approval seeking and unnecessary needy tendencies. In a healthy sustainable relationship EQUAL amounts of admiration are required. When this is imbalance, it can cause all sorts of problems.
Now down to your question. A good point to remember is that women don’t need to feel supported 24/7. In fact, many women today like to have their own space. 24/7 support can feel smothering and can only cause a woman to withdraw and spend more alone time.
If you truly want to know how to support her here are a couple of things you can do.
1) Be a listening ear when she is having difficulty with something.
2) When she is not responsive to support then spend your energy having short bursts of emotional communications with her that are exciting, fun, and include banter.
3) Keep her on her toes by getting her to do something new with you. It would be great if this something new is something that YOU are great at but that she may not be so confident in. This will give her more reason to trust your capabilities.
4) If she needs time to withdraw give her space. Engage in your own activities, don’t read into it and be ready for her when she is over withdrawing.
Hot Alpha Female
I really like this article. This is the best description of a strong and independent woman. I am one of them and believed me I had made men cried: of course, “not on purpose”. They are too sensitive because they don’t understand me. At the end of the day i’m still a woman who needs love and warm. I’m proud to say that i am hot, successful, strong and independent in which “intimidated men”. You might think i sound arrogant. I don’t think so because this is purely a sign of being secure about oneself. I don’t walk around looking snobbish. I am humble, logical, and reasonable.
When i’m dating, I don’t like to lead. I like to be the passenger and enjoy what he wants “music, restaurant, or vacation spot”. So yes the man needs to man up and be strong and independent. He has to know what he wants and will not afraid to tell me as is. I can spot bullshitter so I would appreciate him to be straightforward even if he thinks i will disagree. I’m open-minded and will be understanding. We compromise and everything has a solution! And don’t ask me if you dress ok or your hair is good because like the article said “…you can be satisfied in knowing that if she is with you, its by her choice.” You got all that! So don’t go making her feel that you’re anything different!
@Adriana: Thanks for stopping by. You make some interesting comments =) I think if there are challenges for men and for women they would be this: Women don’t know how to be vulnerable and Men don’t know how to lead. This can create havoc when it comes to dating and relating. I think it’s important in any developing relationship for both parties to ask themselves what do I bring to this blossoming relationship: first … before going on to consider the benefits of a potential relationship. Both parties need to be responsible for what they bring to the table. I also believe that a good match for a man and woman is one where they bring out the authentic nature of each other. Meaning the walls of that maybe both of them have put cut and eventually come down. I really believe that you can’t have a true connection with someone … until they have really seen all that you are.
Thanks for your comments, I hope you find what you are looking for.
Hot Alpha Female
This is a very well written article!!!! I must say that after reading this it really hit home with me. (Couldn’t even sleep because it made me really think about myself) I’m what you might consider a “nice guy” because my whole upbringing I was told to bend over backwards for a woman.
Here is a back story on my situation. I’m currently dating (7 months) a very strong minded, career focused, very book smart, and intelligent girl who lived in NYC. She was a hot shot lawyer for 6 years who made a ton of money. She moved back to Texas to be closer to her parents about a year ago because she quit her job, economy tanked, job offer after job offer fell through, she couldn’t find work, and lost all her money. She now hates being a lawyer and wants to become a screenwriter. Currently she has way to many log in the fire, because she is trying to start a new law firm in texas with her dad, writing a screenplay, taking classes on screenplay, doing contract work with a law firm (resigning in a week) which pays the bills. She has alot of friends all over the world that come directly to her with there problems and she feels the need to help every single one.
How does she have time for a relationship with me? I’m starting to see less and less of her as the months go by and I understand she has alot going on. I was laid off work 2 months ago and have been looking for a job non stop and considering a career change. I’m a tech geek who knows all things computers. I’m trying to give her the space she needs but at the same time trying to fulfill my needs and wants as well.
We talked about 2 months ago on how our relationship was going and I asked her how she felt about me. She told me she loved me and that I was a total sweetheart. BUT…. She wants a man that will take care of her, pay for things, take control, etc… My question is how do you accomplish this without being a total asshole about it? I do take care of her but she is very resistant to let me, I try to pay for meals dates etc for her but she puts up a fight for the bill at the end of the night, when I try and take control and do things spontaneously she ends up diverting my plans sometimes but not all the time because at the last minute had to go grab a meal or drink with a friend in a some sort of crisis. So my plans no longer include a dinner now its just a night out with her if I can shake the friend or I get stuck spending the night with her and her friend. She attracts friends who are needy here in dallas.
Am I doomed to fail in this relationship? Do I need to be more firm with my wants and needs and should they over power hers at time? I love her to death but I’m starting to think she is not as into me as I am into her. Or do you think I’m being insecure?
Hey Brian,
I recently created a video that further explains how to date strong and independent women. You can view it here …
http://youtu.be/Uv5c-sK_OBQ
Hot Alpha Female
So this is my first go around with a extremely strong indeprendant woman… I’m having trouble with something… She like to do her thing with her friends, but I have a extremely hard time just letting my phone go. I’m trying so hard to meet her on her level of inderpendence. I want her to do her thing.
Another thing is that 90% of her friends are also mine, and that when she goes out she claims “me time” and I get upset because I feel like she’s stealing my friends away from me, then she claims “they wer my friends before you”. How do I tackle these issues?
I know how to be independent when I’m single, once I start dating I turn into a softy. What can I do to keep the independence I had when I was single?
I just ended a two year relationship with an independent yet insecure woman. I loved her but she couldn’t get over her insecurities enough for us to be happy toghether. The combination of independence and insecurity was confussing for me one minute shed be a gun ho about not need ing me then the next minute shed be begging me to come over because she felt “vulnerable”. Then she started critisizing all types of things about me saying I “wasn’t at the level she needed me to be” it was always something next time I’m going after a younger more fun girl she just made me frustrated and confused.
i caught this late but have been just overwhelmed with her.. i admire the streangth and conviction she has but have a very diffacult time with not being able to be a man .. doing the obvious things having her melt into me. she travels alot she gets deeply offended when i reserch safty to where she travels and give her state department tips for the regions. ( wont alow me to protect her) she gets offended when i pay(wont let me treat her) has a peoblem with mild pda holding hands or even refering to me as a boyfriend ..im her friend( no confirmation of our relationship) asks me how her outfits look and then gets offended when i make a suggestion. (doesnt give me an opertunity to complement her and tell her how beutiful and sexy she is) she has had three moments of weekness in three years and although sadd but she allowed me to comfort her i felt like a man in her weekness that she allowed me to..she is very insecure but yet very independant..it feels like a constant powere struggle where i am the one giving in. she is an independant woman who is about to independant her way into lonlyness.. i know she loves me . but she gets pissed off at me to the point i cant do anything nice sweet for her like even take her trash to the curb.. or fix something at her house i would love some help and ideas.
Just wrote a blog today on the independent woman. But from a different viewpoint. While I fully agree with your article, some women make it hard to love them. They overcompensate by being TOO independent and chase love away. Check it out here: http://dontcatchfeelings.weebly.com/4/post/2012/04/why-women-keep-losing-in-love-how-to-not-be-that-girl-part-3.html
[...] of my mother, the women I have evolved to most admire have most often been strong, independent minded women committed to their own evolution, who were “resilient and self-reliant”. Much like my mother, [...]
looking for date nice fermale. can wait.
I am so glad I read this and at just the time I needed to. I am a very strong and independent woman and have always struggled in relationships. I have these old world mentalities where I want the guy to do all the work in the relationship (at the beginning). It took me a long time to understand that I can come off as cold or disinterested because I have so many things going on. I have learned that I need to take some control in the relationship and open myself up more. Guys always took me as “too hot and too cool” and didn’t know how to handle me. I may be able to pal it around with the guys and lead in a boardroom discussion in my male dominated line of work, but at the end of the day, I am a woman that just wants to be treated like a woman.
There is no strong and independent woman who does not feel at all.
Like men, we want love and passion to dominate our lives.
We want someone who would pay attention to our unspoken needs and wants.
The real difference between a strong woman and the weaker one is the ability to accept things as they are without being emotionally dependent on it for self-approval and fulfillment.
For instance: A woman can love without limitations, despite her being strong and independent minded. The strength comes with not being clingy but freeing. She would not constantly monitor her partner with endless text messages and allows him to have the space that he needs. Just some of the ways for being independent yet loving.
The success of the relationship depends heavily on the commitment aspect.
Great post, awesome points and very true on both sides of the coin. Be true to yourself and like will attract like at the right time with the right person. Thanks for your thoughts Hot Alpha Female!
Let me join in and add my thanks for your insightful article. I’ve been in my current relationship for almost 3 months and its becoming more and more difficult for me to “deal.” He’s always trying to learn about me…but he does this through endless questions and wanting to spend every minute together. Some questions come across as his need for constant reassurance and that has grown old. At the beginninb of the relationship we disccused our own personal needs. One of my main needs was space. There are times when I like being by myself, when it’s quiet and I can reflect, reenergize, and just be still . He didn’tget it. He was offended, taking it personally . his neediness is wearing me slick. I thought something was wrong with me…but now I understand the traits of being strong and very independent. To the men…yes, strong women don’t want to lead in the telationship.