3 Top Secrets To Get You Healing And Happy After A Breakup!
Well lets keep it short and simple. I just ended a relationship which had been going on for close to a year. And while I was in this relationship, I was finding it very hard to keep posting about dating and relating stuff. I would literally sit in front of the computer tapping my fingers drawing blanks. Very frustrating.
Now that it has ended I have this renewed passion to continue this blog.
It has been a portal for my own personal development as well as the readers who have been following it. So I can’t resist anymore!
So for those of you that are interested in all the juicy goss, of what happened, of some of the things I have learnt from the whole experience and where I’m going to go from here … READ ON!
This will be followed by my 3 top tips in getting over a breakup!
How we met
We met through mutual friends on a Friday night and had an instant connection. I say connection because we got along with eachother really well, but I wouldn’t say that I was instantly physically attracted to him. He was definitely not what I would define as “my type” ( boys and girls we all know that you have a list or a type of man/woman that you would like to be with). I would say he was the antithesis of it. But for some reason it didn’t really matter. Although I was dating around three other guys at the time, he made the fourth, I knew that this was the guy that I wanted see more often and on a long term basis. He was open to pursuing me and I was open to being pursued. That’s how we met.
While we were there
I have to admit, this is one of the best relationships I have been in so far, the amazing connection I had with him on all levels was fantastic and unlike no other. We had plenty of fun together and most importantly we both felt like we could be authentic with one another. No secrets, no attempting to be something we were not and we did bring out the best in eachother. If I were to use one word to define the purpose of this relationship I would say it to be healing. And it was, both for him and for me. We both learned more about ourselves and eachother by being in a relationship together and in that, it has served its purpose in many ways.
How and why it ended
It ended because I could see the two of us going in two different paths in life. We had a great chemistry on many levels. But chemistry isn’t enough. In order for a fulfilling relationship to work, you need proper lines of communication and you need compatible values. I could see my life going in a very different direction, if I stayed in a relationship with him and I was not willing to give up my dreams, nor was he. Both of us at times, let our fears get in the way. Both of us, at times were selfish. Both of us, at times did not communicate properly with eachother. But I have no doubt in my mind that this breakup “had” to happen and it was the right decision to make, no matter how tough.
Where its going from here
Despite the fact that it is still fairly recent since the breakup and it has been a hard time for me, I’m still very very open to the idea of dating and relationships. This past relationship clarified for me, things that I not only want in a man, but also what I need. It also pointed out areas in my life that I want to spend more time on. The fact is I’m going to be hitting the dating scene soon and I know how much fun that will be, and I’m super excited! I feel like my world is my oyster again and the taste of freedom is so so so sweet!
So that is my breakup update on what has been going on with me. In this process I have come to a lot more distinctions about the whole breaking up process and it has renewed my empathy for you guys and what some of you may be going through. Here are my top 3 breakup tips which I believe will get you healing and happy in no time at all =)
Tip # 1: Get closure!
I’m serious here, if you are the dumper then make sure you are clear to the dumpee that there is no chance in hell you are going to get back with them. No “lets be friends”, no “I will always love you”, no “lets check back on eachother in 5 years time”. If you really do care about the person then you will give them the closure they need in order for them to move on, no matter how hard that may be. I have to admit I tried the “lets be friends” line even though I’m an avid believer of the NO CONTACT RULE. It lasted a total of about a month, before I realised that being in contact with my EX was preventing me from finding certainty in my situation and from truly moving on. Give them the gift of closure and back this up with never contacting them again. Give them the room to truly move on. If your the dumper and you made the decision to call it the quits, then you owe it to them.
Now if you are the dumpee and your ex wasn’t able to give you the closure; then you need to give yourself that closure. There are a number of techniques which you can do this, but the best is writing out a letter, with all the emotion and words that you want to use and then burning it, shredding it, letting a goat eat it, whatever it takes! By no means are you to send this letter to your EX. EVER! I mean it! This letter is for you and you only. If that’s not going to cut it and you feel you really do need closure from your ex and you can still contact them. Then do it. But do it once. And then cut all contact. I give this piece of advice with caution, because its so risky and no matter what your ex could say, it may not be the one thing that you want to hear. But if you need to do it, then you need to do it. I can’t stop you.
The whole point of getting closure and doing these things is so you feel like the situation is resolved and the chapter in the book is closed. If you can’t bear the thought of the book being closed forever, then just close it for a month or 3 months or a year and see how you feel. Take small baby steps. But just make sure to close it.
Tip # 2: Get it all out!
Alright I have to admit, that there have been many times where I have been in denial that I’m upset or that I miss my ex. During a breakup there are times when you are going to miss your ex like crazy and want with every part of your being to be back with them.
So instead of pushing it down and trying to forget it. Go there. Allow yourself to miss your ex. Have a cry. Punch something. Talk it out with friends. Talk it out to your dog. Write it out. Sing it out. Do whatever it takes to feel that emotion.
Now the trick is, to feel the emotion, but then not linger there for like hours, days, weeks, months and let the vicious cycle of memories haunt and depress you.
Once you have been fully able to experience the emotion, then reach for a better feeling thought. For example “I miss my ex, for xyz reasons”. After you have thought about this, then immediately think of the same amount of reasons as to why you are happy that you were no longer with them. For example “Well at least I get my freedom back” or “oh yeh but this other thing that they did use to really piss me off!”
The best way to relieve your grief (and yes this is what all people who breakup have to go through) is to give yourself a much more balance perspective of the situation.
If you hate them, think about the things that you liked about them. If you miss them, think about all the things that you will not miss about them and so on. This has done wonders for me and I’m sure it will have the same affect on you. Just try it!
Tip # 3: Get on with your life.
This is healthy because if you followed tip 2 then you are honouring yourself by being able to express your emotions and now you are making the best of what you have got.
I also have to admit that there were many times in my last relationship, where I would put some of the things that were important to me on hold. Because I was simply so comfortable. Well you know what? Its time to take all those things that you were putting on the shelf for a rainy day and start them …. Today! Whether it be that career move you have been wanting to make or transforming your physical body … now is the time when you get to pursue all those things you want in life, no excuses. In fact you can use all the energy for your breakup to propel you to new heights!
This is also a great time to reconnect with friends and family which you may have neglected while you were in the relationship. It is also a time where you can have renewed energy into the things that are really important to you. Make sure to get back to the things you enjoy and that make you happy. Realise and remind yourself through doing this, that you can cultivate your own emotions and your own happiness.
In due time it will also be useful to reflect on the learnings you experienced for the last relationship. You do not want to be taking the same mistakes into the next relationship. In addition I would also advice to take it easy on jumping into another relationship too soon, unless you are totally up for a rebound relationship, but that brings along with it, its own complications.
The fact is, if you rebound to another person, you are actually preventing yourself from fully healing and from making the same mistakes you made in the last one. Rebounds are like band aids … and while it may soothe the pain for a little while … all band aids eventually have to be ripped off.
Take the time to honour yourself, learn the most from your mistakes and you will know when the time is right for you to find a new and better relationship.
With that said, I’m looking forward to what some of your experiences have been during your breakups and also what are some of the best things you have learned from them – please write them below.
For those of you that are going through a difficult breakup right now or are still suffering from the after affects, please feel free to write a comment here and express your thoughts. I’m here to help.
Your Brutally Honest Friend,
Hot Alpha Female.