How To Overcome Being A Control FREAK!
and actually be happy! ……
So we all at times can be a little controlling. And at other times we can also be a little bit of a FREAK. But overcoming being a control freak is not as hard as it sounds. It just takes a little bit of practice, patience and faith.
Now there is no better person to talk to you right now about control. Because me and control use to be the best of buddies. I made sure my partner at the time met my expectations and in return that control gave me the “so called security and safety” which deep down I craved. So how did he meet my expectations? I dragged him to personal development seminars, I put some ambition in him, I got him to eat healthier, dress smarter, act nicer … you name it and I did it. And at the end of it, I had a guy who I didn’t recognise nor respected because he didn’t have the guts to stand up for himself.
Talk about a catch 22. I was beside myself. How could by perfectly executed plan, fall to S**T in so little time? And how come I didn’t have the happiness and fulfilment that I thought control was suppose to give me?
This is a very common problem men and women are facing today in their dating lives and more importantly in their relationships. Its this inability to let it go; to accept the person and the situation that is in front of you. There is so much pushing against, so much wishing things were different and no understanding that “this is where you are and exactly where you need to be”.
The truth is I had to figure out that the fulfilment and the happiness doesn’t come from the attempting the control everything outside of you. It comes from the ability to control everything that is going on inside of you. Its about inquiring about what’s “within” and just being “ok” with what you find. Too many people are focused on fixing the people around them, when really the one that needs work is them. To be honest its a lot easier to focus fixing someone “else” rather than spending time “fixing” yourself.
So how did I manage to stop the control in my relationships? Well after that relationship ended I have to learn to relinquish control when it came to dating. I have to accept that some people were going to be “into me” and some were not. I have to accept that I didn’t “know” where any potential relationship was going. I had to accept the way I felt about a particular person and instead of resisting it, just sitting with the feeling. I had to accept that at the time I was single and that was perfectly ok. I had to realise that if there was something I wanted to improve in someone else that I was the one that probably had to make that improvement in my life.
Once your in this habit its easy to take it to form a healthy relationship with someone you really care about. You can actually create a real relationship based between two people meeting each other needs rather than being in a relationship to purely meet your own. When you relinquish that control you find that freedom and joy you had always been looking for.
Nowdays I don’t have the urge to make my partner into a “better person” – he is doing a great job on his own. My plan is not to have a plan. I don’t need to worry about what he should wear, what he should eat and what he should spend his time on. I feel safe and secure knowing that relinquishing that control gives me the freedom and the happiness that I really desire. I use the energy I would exert on fixing my partner on doing things that make me feel good. I don’t need to know what is going to happen next and only focus on what is happening right now. And most importantly I trust that as long as you remain authentic in that relationship; no matter if it lasts a lifetime or ends tomorrow that you did the best you knew how, with who you were at that given point in time – and that is more than enough.
So how about you guys give it a shot too? =P
Hot Alpha Female
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I really like your idea of “My plan is not to have a plan. I don’t need to worry about what he should wear, what he should eat and what he should spend his time on” At times we become very pushy and want the other person to be as we want rather than how he wants to be.
well I like what you are doing. . .we have to learned from our mistakes and do better next time. We need to control each feelings and be more responsible. Our men will do the same thing if we let them breath and not giving them a burning neck
just stumble on you and like your acent and look:) really really so i am saying hi look up my web site when you have time have a great one bless
hot alpha girl,
what is your email? I saw your post on another site about girls who ask guys out, and how guys don’t know whats going on who think that is ok. I respectfully have to disagree with you, but actually wanted to email you my opinion on that, if you are down to read it, based on my own experiences. Please let me know, thanks.
I’m right there with you H.A.F. The moment we stop trying having control over our partner, is the moment we allow ourselves to grow in a relationship.
From all the girls I’ve dated, the one I fell in love with is the one that didn’t put any control on me whatsoever.
Well great article there HAF and you should post more often, you’ve got great content! Just saying
You’re so full of sh*t. For a true “control freak”, what you listed as easy is insanely difficult.
When you have real advice that might actually help someone… you can try again but this is BS.
@jewish Internet Dating: Yes! We must see the person who is actually standing in front of us, rather than the person we have created in our minds.
@healy: Yes, it is all a learning process. That is what makes it so exciting =)
@sean blackman: Thanks for stopping by!
@johnny doe: sure my email is on my contact page
@patrick: Yes. I had to learn that love wasn’t about control at all. Far from it. Glad you enjoyed the post!
@Becca: I understand it is hard and yes it is insanely difficult at times. But the rewards are truly worth it, because you get to face your fears and find the courage within you to move past them. I truly hope you find what it is that you are looking for =)
Hot Alpha Female
I’m a recovering perfectionist who turned into a control freak which has turned my relationship (for my fiance) a nightmare! I will take your points into deep consideration and was happy to find an article from someone who has been there