Is Love Enough?
In a nutshell. Hell NO!! Don’t worry I was one of those girls that dreamed, that preyed, that wished it was so. That meeting the right person would dissolve any issues of conflict, fighting or heaven forbid a staleness of passion for each other.
But I was slapped in the face by the cold hard truth. That to have a great dating relationship, to have a great long term relationship you are going to need a little more than a so called “ever lasting love” for each other.
Because you know what? Passion only ever lasts for so long and really nothing in this life lasts forever. We grow up, we mature, we get old and then we start shrinking. Not the pyramids, the oceans, nor your “good moods” can last forever. This is a simple truth of life.
So as we are riding the turbulent waves of life; good and bad, sad and happy, passionate and bored – the passion in our relationship can also waver. The truth is to have a great relationship – you are going to have to step up to the plate and be great at a lot of different things.
You are going to have to be great at communicating, listening and being patient. You are going to have to at times refrain from yelling, refrain from breaking down. You are going to have to learn to sometimes put someone else’s needs before your own. To smile when you feel down, to give when all you do is feel like taking and to be empathetic when really you want to bitch slap them.
I see so many guys and girls out there waiting. Waiting for the right person to come along. Waiting for the right relationship to appear in front of them. Waiting for the right moment to come past, sweep them off their feet and wash away their worries.
We’ll this isn’t a movie and there is no guaranteed happy ending. Your relationships are what you make of them and there is no single moment that is any better than the other. You can’t put your life on hold even if you tried.
So in answer to my original question, is love enough to make a great relationship. No its not and it never will be. This is reality …… not “Sleepless in Seattle”. But if love is only part of what makes a great relationship and you have it, then the good news is that your already half way there ….
It means that if you love each other then it means that you will fight to be together, it means that you will do things for this person that you wouldn’t do for anyone else, it means that your heart is open to forgiveness and that for once you put someone’s needs before your own. Love is a truly magical thing and every one who has found it no matter for how long or short that may have been – has been truly blessed with a magical experience that cannot be traded for anything in the world.
So what are you going to do to MAKE it a great and long lasting love?
Hot Alpha Female
Having a great and long lasting relationship requires the understanding of one’s weaknesses, accepting it and not push for change. Patience without understanding may still lead to expecting some change to happen. Acceptance is a must in every relationship. That is my perspective on how to have a great and long lasting relationship.
I also fell for it. It was only after my heart has been pulverized and reduced to almost nothingness that I realized “everlasting love needs a lot of work.” As in a whole lot of work.
Hey guys,
Sure, everything has a ‘life cycle’. So with all this whinging, what positives do we bring to the relationship. How come a lot of my older relatives (and many other people I know personally) have been married for + 30 years. What of our older generations that have enduring/rewarding relationships for decades (of course we know others that endured that did not represent the best times one should have to experience, esp. the abusive ones).
So what are we doing about it?? = like you’ve said, we’ve got to meet each other half way/contribute but at the same time not tolerate poor behaviour. Don’t forget that the relationship kickstarted with some kind of ‘spark’ (they each liked things about the other) and have ticked the boxes in line with the standards we look for in someone – otherwise its just surface level. Hey, are our standards set too low?!
Interestingly, a lot of people are waiting for their ‘ideal/dream’ person to come along like they deserve to be treated to something special (good on them) but then if the person they just ‘left’ was like 95% of this ideal, have they made a mistake? (said with the benefit of hindsight), could they have done something different?, what did they contribute to the relationship?. This brings us back to the start of the thread.
Question, if these women saw their ideal, dream guy – what would they say or do to make him want to get to know her better (as more than a mere face in the crowd)…. ooops, he’s continued to walk by… oh well next time?! Likewise, guys get complaicent, needy too and rather than being a man and leading, they let this trait slip (in the relationship, curteousy, in the bedroom, in conversation skills, mentally, physically)
Moral of the story, we make our own breaks, we also must accept responsibility for our actions, we also choose our mindset and actions. So lets choose to be positive and be the best we can be. or, you can sit on your hands and wait/hope.
All the best guys,
Keep smiling.
Shame on you for not staying in touch!
Why do we sing “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” when we are already there?
Just started reading your blog and I must say that it’s very interesting. Was directed to it from my friend David Tien’s website (Asian Rake). Good post here.
@sugar mama man: Acceptance is definately a key to a great lasting relationship. Good, bad and the ugly! lol
@Maris: But its always worth it! =)
@fat-Albert: I totally agree. The best thing you can do for yourself and your current or future relationships is to focus inwards rather than outwards. I think you should learn from your past, but wishing or thinking if things were different or could have turned out another way … is still looking back in the past. All things have been said and done and all you can do now is look forward, see where your at, take a deep breathe and go on. I don’t think relationships are things that your “get right” we all have different experiences which match with lessons we need to learn about ourselves. Which means all relationships expereinced have served their purpose.
@Buddha: I’m here!!! heheheh – how have you been?!
@Kevin Tang: Glad to have you as one of my blog readers, hope you enjoyed =)
Hot Alpha Female
I agree that one should accept the weaknesses of your partner. We dont always get the heroes of good, bad and ugly
Real life has much more, there are good and bads in each of us. So, love your partner for what he is and not for what you want him to be. Trust and dont expect too much for a long loving relationship.
hey, I really liked this post. have you ever heard about david deida’s three stages of relationships?
well having a good relationships must acquire loads of understanding. It depends on us, to experience a long term relationship. If we fall, it’s not all the time happy and gay. There’s sadness and hurt. They are twins I guess.
Just found your website and advice and find it very interesting. I have been married for 33 years and for the most part, have been happy. In more recent years my husband has become less interested in doing things with me although he will still do things for me. I think there are multiple reasons for this but I have found that it is true that Love is not enough to sustain the relationship. It surely helps but it does take a lot of work to keep it interesting and fun. A willingness to overlook those things that bother you about someone but you know are never going to change and a forgiving heart are essential. Knowing that you can only change yourself and not the other person saves you a lot of energy and heartache. But you must also know that although you cannot change anyone else, you can influence them to change themselves. I have yet to figure out what would motivate or inspire him to pay attention to me again. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, so that’s a positive! I think he’s just tired of me and so I need to figure out how to change myself to spark his interest in me again. There are many facets to relationships and many things that influence them. And I find there are no simple answers. Even after therapy. Got any ideas?
Hey Marilyn, welcome to my blog and thanks for your post =)
I think the best thing you can do, is first define what you need in order to feel loved and appreciated by your husband. Example; is it when he cooks you dinner, takes out the trash, looks at you a certain way and so on. Define some of the best ways in which you feel loved. Then when he does these things for you, really encourage, appreciate and praise him for doing it. This is how you can encourage and influence him to give to you on your terms.
Also take this process to your husband. What does he really value? What is important to him? How can you give him love, in areas which he already highly values? What you are looking for a places where you can win with your husband.
Because the more places you find to win with him, then the more you will eventually get back, especially if he is committed as much as you are.
You say that he does things for you. What are they? Do you have to ask him to do these things for you? Most of the time people give their love in the way that they want it to be given to them. So take some time out and think of some of the things he does and some of the things he enjoys and spend a week or two giving him love.
Then see what happens. You will be surprised =)
Hot Alpha Female
Hey,
Thanks for the ideas. I will try some of them and let you know how it goes in a couple of weeks. My husband cooks dinner every night! He enjoys cooking and likes being in charge of the fat content of our dinners, so he has been cooking exclusively since our son was born. Our son just turned 16 this week! And I tell him thank you or “I appreciate your cooking” every single night. He’s a great cook and I don’t particularly enjoy cooking so it works out well for all of us. I have a business baking and decorating cakes for people. I do enjoy the artistry of that and so I’m in the kitchen a lot…just not hubby’s kitchen. I have my own kitchen in the pool house.
Hubby also works to bring home the majority of the money in the household, takes care of our vehicles, does all the yard work and pool work, (for which I compliment him on as it always looks great!) and is in general a “handy man” to have around. He takes care of his dogs (2 of them), and I take care of the cat. He’s a great dad too, does things with our son when he has time, and supports his school sports by showing up at all sporting events. We both help our son with homework when needed. Sounds idyllic, doesn’t it? I’m looking at the positives…and don’t really wish to discuss the things that bother me in this public format. We can discuss further in e-mail if you send me one. Thanks!
Hey Marilyn,
Check your email when you get the chance =)