Cheating … Should You Tell Your Partner?
Now I’m sure if you are a person that has never been cheated on or done the cheating you definitely know someone who has.I’m hesitant to write about this situation – because I’ve never cheated or been cheated on (that I know of). So I’m worried that my perspective may be slightly skewed and just plain down right unrealistic.
But I’m going to continue writing anyway. The truth is that besides the fact that I have never been in the situation before, I have definitely seen my friends and people I care about go through the emotional turmoil.
Lets admit it, cheating makes things pretty messy. The fact is, its easy to say what you will or won’t do. Like “I’ll never cheat” or blurt out clichés like “once a cheater always a cheater”, but until you are in a particular situation, who knows what you will really do.
Now first lets define what cheating is. Does that mean having some sort of a physical relationship with someone else, no matter how brief?
Does a kiss on the lips with someone other than your partner constitute as cheating? Does opening up to someone on an emotional level in addition to your partner constitute as emotional cheating and is therefore just as treacherous?
I’m the kind of girl that loves black and white, right and wrong. But I’ve learnt that there are a lot of life situations where shades are grey, are all that exist.
Cheating is one of these areas.
So to get us all running off the same base, lets just say that you have slept with someone else other than your partner. Lets say it was once and you wish to purse no other relationship with this partner in crime.
What do you do?
Are you part of the “what he/she doesn’t know can’t hurt him/her” team?
Or are you more of an advocate of “he/she has a right to know” team?
Here is what I think.
Many argue that option A is better, because the act of telling your partner that you cheated on them, gives them the burden of bearing your own guilt.
The fact is that “you” made the wrong decision and therefore you have to bear the consequences of withholding it to just yourself.
People say that this option is better because then the relationship can continue its course and no one will be the wiser. You learnt your lesson. You know how you feel about your partner and you want to continue a relationship with them.
My thoughts? Taking this option is simply the easy way out. You convince yourself your doing your partner a favor by sparing them the pain of finding out that you were unfaithful to them.
Well reality check. You still did it. And that is not going to change anything. I think its naive, ignorant and highly selfish to make that decision on your partner’s behalf.
When you entered into a relationship you also created a contract – which I believe involves honesty and respect.
What is honest and respectful about not telling you partner the truth?
I think the real reason why people don’t want to tell a partner of their infidelity is because they are scared of losing them.
Scared that telling the truth will completely abolish everything they have worked so hard to create.
But let me tell you this. Honesty is always the best policy. Let me just play it out for you.
You do tell him/him. They can’t forgive you and you guys end the relationship – learn your lessons and move on. Did you have something so “real” anyway if you had to go somewhere outside that relationship to get your needs met and couldn’t communicate your way out of it?
You do tell him/her. You guys fight. Your both hurt. You communicate through it. You learn to develop a deeper trust for eachother, set new boundaries, learn to meet eachother needs and the relationship actually gets taken to a whole new level.
Some of you may think that option B is a utopian way of looking at it. The truth is, that many couples work through cheating and come out stronger at the end of it.
For me this topic is really about whether you have the guts to face your fears, to own up to something that is going to eat at you for years anyways and a chance to learn something new about yourself.
Why would you run away and want to avoid that? Life wasn’t meant to be easy. Its there for us to challenge our fears and face the truth.
I’m sure a lot of you have things to say about this. But what are your thoughts? If you have cheated on a partner, should you tell them or not. If so why/why not?
Looking forward to your comments
Hot Alpha Female
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I think your boyfriend/girlfriend definitely has the right to know about that kind of thing. Cheating is like lying, and lying is the worst thing you can do to someone. I've checked out this other website, cheatconfession.com. It has a bunch of stories about people that have cheated, and its definitely interesting. Some of these people's stories are very ridiculous, and I don't think they did the right thing. If someone cheats, I don't think they are ready for a relationship.
Its true that cheating makes things worst! It can broke up a family and friendship. Your trust to someone will lost if you find him cheating and its hard to put things back on its right place. This post is great! Thanks for the information.
well said Alpha, keeping it to yourself is definitely the easier option. What about in marriages though, when there are children to think about etc., and you do truly regret what you have done?
This advice is good for people who have the luxury of seeing the world in black and white and can still get away with it. Advice on cheating is easy when your young and dating, it is a lot different when there is a lot more at stake, like the continuity of your finances, your children and stability of those who depend on you. When you get married at 19 and your 51 with kids in college, ailing parents in the house, under financial strain — you think differently about these things when you have a full grown mature life that doesn’t fit into black and white puzzle. It’s one of those grey areas you referenced.
@ Graeme, I don’t know what post you read because she said you should tell the truth. “She also mentioned that it’s selfish to make the decision to tell or not on your own on you partners behalf.
Like she also mentioned, relationshipmusts are honesty and respect. When there is a case of infidelity these two words become connected.
If you do not tell you’re partner, you subconsciously saying that you do not respect him/her. That’s why when/if they find out, they’re more angry about the lying than the cheating.
If you’re honest and tell him/her about it. He/She will respect you for telling him/her, so this means honesty creates respect. And it means that if you respect someone you will be honest.
That’s why some relationships can get trough the cheating. Because of the honesty and respect.
Think about it. Who’d you rather lie to. Someone you love and care about, or some random person?
The truth is.. The truth will always set you (and others) free.
And that is my Sage wisdom.
1 – I have never cheated, although I’m pretty sure my wife thinks I have.
2 – I now have an open marriage now, so cheating is no longer an issue.
That having been said, I’m actually in Camp A.
Unless there were extenuating circumstances and you tell them immediately, telling them would demonstrate a breach of trust, creating a situation where they may never trust you again.
As others have pointed out, long-term relationships build complications. There usually is no simple “walking away” even if you wanted to do so. Assets must be divided. Often friends end up being divided. If there are children involved, that adds another dimension of complexity. And what about pets?
As I said, complications.
@Sage,
I meant that perhaps in some cases it is better, if you do truly regret what has happened, not to tell your partner. In the case of there being children, you could save them much trauma.
@Graeme: I understand exactly what you are saying. But how much trauma do you inflict on yourself, by withholding the truth?
10 ways to tell if your partner is cheating on you
1. You Feel It In Your Gut: Very often, you get this nagging little feeling that something is wrong before you actually start to notice the ensuing behavior. It’s often an increased awareness that things aren’t going as they normally do or that your partner is becoming more distant, critical, or evasive.
2. You Miss His Or Her Presence Because He’s / She’s Just Not There As Much: Often, I write about missing them metaphorically. Now, I’m talking about missing them physically. Often when someone is cheating, they spend less and less time at home or together. You’re with them less. Whereas before they would ask you to tag along on errands or outings, this is the case less and less of the time.
3. His Or Her Excuses Are New Or Just Don’t Make Sense: Often, the behavior changes and then the excuse comes. Examples are the person who only did the bare minimum at work is suddenly putting in a lot of overtime. Or, the guy with the relatively new car begins having tons of car troubles. Or, the girl who wasn’t particularly close to her family now needs to go and see her distant aunt. Often, as they need to cover their tracks more and more, you’ll begin to see a lot more of these out of left field excuses that don’t mesh with their prior behavior.
4. Intimacy And Sex Changes: It’s Either Much Less In Frequency, Or Much More Adventurous / Experimental Or Is Not Typical Behavior: There’s the old stereotype that when someone cheats, they either stop having sex with the person at home, or they only go through the motions, but this isn’t always the case. Sometimes, sexual activity actually increases and you’ll see that they want to try new things, almost as if they are trying to prove to themselves that they can get at home what they’re seeking somewhere else. Often, sometimes the new things that they’re doing with their partner in cheating will broaden their horizons, so to speak.
5. They’re More Critical Or Vocal: You may notice that the little things that they used to really like about you now bothers them. Did they used to love your low key attitude? Now, they’ll wonder why your not ambitious enough. Did they used to love your sense of humor but now find it corny? Did they used to love that you couldn’t get enough of them but now find you possessive? All of these changes are tip offs that they’re changing their attitude and perception about you, likely because they need to justify the cheating to themselves.
6. They’re Suddenly Talking A lot About Their New Coworker, Friend, Or Class Mate: Often, the temptation to talk about their cheat mate is just far too great to ignore. They’ll often slip and recount a funny thing or observation that so and so made. Hearing this new name once doesn’t usually ring alarms bells, but any more than that and you should take notice.
7. They’re Secretive About Their Cell Phone And Computer: Whereas before they didn’t mind you using their electronics before, now they keep them in close range. This is because they’re wondering if they remembered to delete the texts and emails. Speaking of these things….
8. Deleted Internet History / Phone Texts, And Emails: Technology almost always leaves a cheater trail and most people know this. So, if you go into your Internet history and see alot of deletions or if you see that they’ve cleared their cookies / cache or have deleted emails, there is little doubt that there’s a reason why. They will also often delete their cell phone in box or call log, but you can actually retrieve these.
9. They Fumble Around Or Become Uncomfortable When You Get In Their Car: Almost always, the person that they’ve been cheating with has been in their car. So, as soon as you get in it, they’re going to become uncomfortable and wonder if there are any clues that they’ve missed that the other person has left behind. You can see this discomfort written all over their face.
10. Their Body Language Creates Distance: Often cheaters begin to give off new body language clues. Whereas they used to present with an open body and stance before, they’ll now cross their arms, stand further back, and tighten their lips and eyes. All of these things are subconsciously keeping you at a safe distance.
Is Your Partner Cheating
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I have been with my husband for 15 years altogether, we’re in our 30′s so we were young to say the least. Everyday I am more in love w him than the day before, when he gets home from work I feel like I have hearts in my eyes looking at him. I am totally smitten! Also we have a great martiage in and out of the bedroom so no problems there, just thr normsl everyday husband/wife stuff, bicker here and there but dont yell ever or do nsme calling or cursing at each other. I can count the FIGHTS we’ve had on one hand and they were ALL bc of alcohol on both parts.. So heres the story-we like to drink and party w our friends a lot, and I slipped, not sex, but a kiss. I barely remember it and am not even attracted to that person. He is a good friend to me (I guess sober). I decided NOT to tell my husband, he is very old school and that would be it, he would divorce me no questions asked, no therapy or working through it. I honestly don’t know why I even did it, maybe curiosity since I’ve been w him since I was a teenager, IDK! What I do know is that I DO NOT want to lose my marriage over something as stupid as a drunken kiss!! So I am going w plan A on this one, and it’s not bc I don’t respect him. It’s bc I WILL lose my one true love!! I can’t live without him, he is my world. Does this make me a horrible person, or is it just human nature? It will NEVER happen again as I have quit drinking, so has he. And I NEVER would’ve done that without liquid courage.. Any thought? And please no rude or ugly comments guys, just trying to get some helpful insight… Thanks..
If you have cheated on your partner, and you bear such a heavy burden of guilt, then DO tell him what you did. Guaranteed, it wont be easy, but bearing the guilt will be much more painful especially if youre one of those people who who are not used to holding things back from your partner, assuming if he is also your best friend. Not telling him because youre just passing on the burden is just a mere excuse not to tell him. He would rather know. If you love him, you will own up to your mistake. If he loves you, he will be willing to make it work because he would choose love over pride. If you do not tell him and he finds out from someone else, he is twice hurt, twice victimized.
Just wanna agree with u about the whole telling you partner. Good job. I also wanna add that people using the excuse of “bearing the guilt yourself” is just an excuse to not tell, which goes along with everything you just wrote. I think there’s another thing missing here. Yes it will be painful for your partner to find out about you cheating. But pain can always HEAL. Pain is temporary, it doesnt last. Time is a good healer.
plus if u cheat but dont tell, you’re taking away your partner’s opportunity to find someone else who will actually be faithful to them (if they’re not willing to work through cheating).
Some people also say that their partner “doesn’t need to know” about the cheating. But then that’s really selfish, why does one partner get to decide what the other “doesnt need to know”. That’s really selfish of the cheating partner.
One thing that many people overlook is that its also unfair to the faithful partner. Lets say your partner has been faithful to u the whole time, it just isn’t fair to him/her. They gave you everything, their faithfulness, time, love… They could have given it to someone else but they gave it to you. Remember, they could’ve chosen someone else, but no, they chose you. The least you can do is to be up front and honest about your infidelity. Its the least u can do for ur partner for their love and faithfulness to u. (this is assuming ur partner was faithful) they deserve a chance to make a decision based on your infidelity. If they want to break up, let them find someone else who will be willing to stay faithful to them. If they’re willing to work through ur infidelity, then ur blest. You made your choice to cheat, let your partner make their choice to either stay or go.
people also argue that sometimes it was a “one time thing”. Still doesn’t change the fact that they cheated. cheating is cheating. Whether it was a one time thing, drunken encounter, or full on affair, its still cheating.
When it comes to children, that could be really complicated. However, knowing about infidelity can teach them important values when they’re older. I’ve heard of children who had an unfaithful parent or two, it screwed up their childhood. But when it came to their own relationship when they were older, they strove to be better partners than their parents. They learned from the mistakes of their parents. I admit there are children who really really REALLY got messed up cuz of infidelity and separation, but I still wouldnt say that u should keep infidelity a secret even if u have children. There’s a chance that children could learn from the mistakes from their parents or not. But that really depends if the parent (the parent they’re primarily staying with after separation) teaches them good values.