Why Men Don’t Like To Be Beaten And How To Handle It When You Do Kick Their Butt!
Jennie Asked …..
I need advice! I’m a HAF myself, 22yo.
Basically, I think my boyfriend is being really pissy over something I didn’t think was a big deal. We were talking the other day about sports we no longer take part in but used to enjoy and I mentioned that I used to do judo in college and was pretty good, even though I only received a beginner’s yellow belt.
He thought this was hilarious because I’m tall and blond and weigh around 125lbs, and I guess he didn’t think that a pretty girl could fight her way out of a paper bag, much less do a martial art.
So when he got done laughing at me (he really was laughing) I challenged him to a wrestling match. Long story short, I used some timely leg sweeps and wrist throws to send him to the floor a few times, and after a while he got so tired out that his strength advantage was gone, and I was able to pin him.
Well, I figured he would have learned his lesson, but he’s totally bent out of shape about it…he’s been pouty and obnoxious ever since the match and keeps challenging me to a rematch, saying I got lucky, and that he wasn’t trying hard…all this stuff to protect his macho ego.
So what do I do? Give him a rematch and let him win? (He would totally rub it in my face and say things like “I told you women can’t fight”). Or agree to a rematch and try my best again, risking another blow to his ego if he loses? Or just refuse and tell him to deal with it? (I’ve tried that last option and he just won’t let it go).
And please tell me–have YOU ever beaten a guy at something physical and had him react this way?
Please advise!
Hot Alpha Female Response: Hi Jennie
Ok where do I start?
First lets start from his perspective. The very fact that he was laughing at you and being so insensitive to your feelings is not very appropriate. So in a kind and nice way you need to let him know how it is that you felt.
Personally if someone was laughing at me too, then I would have kicked his butt with or without knowing how to fight properly.
So in some ways you were right to have a match with him and defend your “title”, if that is what you want to call it.
Now seeing his reaction in what he did when you told him of your ability and the reaction he has now, I would not just say that he is immature. I would say that the prevalent problem is that he is actually a fairly insecure guy.
One Thing All Men Are Driven By
Yes all men are driven by their egos. But his confidence is especially dependent on what other say and think of him to a huge extent. Real confidence is founded within oneself, but hey we all got to start somewhere. This is his starting point.
Now the one thing that you have to realize is that when you challenged him, you did not just challenge him to a fight. You challenged his manlihood. You challenge his very existence as a competent man.
A man’s life is based on judgment of his competency is all areas of life. His competency of making his girlfriend feel happy, protected and well taken care of, his competency to achieve all that he sets out to achieve.
When you beat him, you basically said to him indirectly, “I can look after myself, I don’t need you to protect me … How can you? … If I can kick your ass, any other person can.”
This is like ultimate failure to a guy. That he won’t be loved and more importantly that he is not enough. A man will not stay in a relationship if he feels incompetent in some area, because he feels like it is watching a part of him fail over and over again.
This is the reason why he wants a rematch. To redeem himself. To take back his man-hood and to feed his ego. My answer to your question is, if you fight him, its a lose-lose situation and a bit of a catch 22.
How To Make A Man Feel Competent Again
So here is what you need to do.
You need to sit down with him, when the time and place is right and talk from your heart. Tell him how he made you feel when he laughed at you. Don’t blame him, but explain that to him that in some respects he hurt you.
Then explain to him, that just because you beat him in the ring does not mean that you think of him of any less of a man, that you are sure he could kick anyone’s butt and ra ra.
Basically feed his ego by speaking to him from the heart and letting him know that you still love him just as much without or without having that challenge. Remind him on all the other areas that he is competent in that you value and appreciate.
Now I know this is going to take a lot of maturity and strength of your behalf, but if you love this guy and understand his “real needs” then he is going to be grateful and be willing to give back to you.
See if you wanted to take your love away, my first reaction would be to tell him to shove off, rub it in his face that he got beaten by a girl and then leave him and find someone else.
But your first reaction will usually be your worse reaction and I’m sure that you do care about him, so its at least worth a try to have a conversation with him.
Now if you have the conversation with him and he doesn’t handle it well, then maybe try a couple of different approaches to get through to him. But then if you keep seeing the same consistent pattern happening, not only with these situations but with other things, then maybe its time to really see if you guys are compatible.
I also wanted to add one thing about alpha females. Some people have the misconception that an alpha female is someone who is extremely dominant, down right bitch who loves being in control.
Well that’s an extreme view.
What A Real Alpha Female Is
My definition of what an alpha female is …
Being a woman with absolute inner self confidence.
Yes she demands and has high expectations of her life, but when it comes to be being in a relationship she has the confidence to be open and vulnerable.
Being an alpha female isn’t about hiding behind of wall that is impenetrable and its not about winning. Its being able to let people in being detached from your ego.
And its because you have this connectedness with yourself with who you are and what you are about, you are desirable and magnetic not only to men, but too the world.
Keep that in mind.
Hope this helps and let me know how you go.
Do I Let Guys Kick My Butt?
P.S ……. In answer to your last question if I have ever beaten a guy at a game, sport and so on.
Heck yeh!!
While it feels good to win, most of the time its so much hard work to build up their ego again, its just easier with letting them get away with it. I know that I can beat them and thats the most important thing.
Let them have their moment of glory. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a bloody good challenge!
That or find a guy that doesn’t mind you kicking his ass now and then =)
Hot Alpha Female
Whatever you do, do not go for the rematch. Avoid it at all costs.
My advice.. comming from a random guys perspective, will probably sound weird. But its the only thing that would work trust me on that.
Above there’s the advice to talk, and try to fix their egos and tell the man that you dont think less of him just because you beat him and you still love him.
Honestly, that is the WORST you can do. That right there is an absolute no-go in this situation. See what you’re actually doing by telling him this stuff, is rubbing it in his face. He will be more frustrated and angry because of this. Because in his mind he’s going ”She really thinks I’m weaker than her. Oh my effin god”. And this will lead to more ego and confidence damage.
So talking won’t help, it’ll just do more damage. Because the more you keep bringing it up the worse it’s gonna get.
So now that we’ve established that we can get to the fixing of the ego/confidence.
There’s only one thing that can heal a man with this kind of severe damage. And that is sex.
You need to restore he confidence, you need to give him back the feeling that he’s the man. He’s your man. And there’s no way better to restore a man’s confidence than sex.
So when you go to bed that same night or the night after you need to ignite it. Because he probably won’t be feeling like it because he feels like he’s lost his manlihood. If he does feel like it it’s just because he’s a man and he won’t refuse sex, but it won’t heal him back to normal if you don’t ignite it.
So you have to take it away, that means that when you go to bed that night (or the night after or whatever) you’ll have to be like ”Do you want the rematch now?” or ” Wanna wrestle now?” something like that and hold him down on the bed or something. Be playfull and sexy about it but do not mock! Bevery carefull with this if you deliver it wrong he’ll think you’re mocking him and damage will be beyond repair for a minimum of 2 weeks on average. He’ll accept, you do the deed. His ego and confidence are restored and voila, badabing, badaboom you’re back to normal.
BUT! When you do the deed let him be in charge and find alot of compliments during or after the deed. Remeber you need to restore his confidence so you have to let him ”rule” you. Regardless of who’s the dominant one or whatever, this is how it has to be.
This is the only way, however it’s still advice from just a random guy but trust me..
There’s nothing worse for a man than losing to a girl or woman and the absolute worst if it’s his girlfriend or wife.
It’s nothing personal to the opposite sex, it’s just that we’re man. We’re the way we are, its in our genes. Even as young kids we know (or like to believe) that boys are the strongest sex and that boys can’t be beaten by girls.
Good luck