So many of you have been following Jennie’s Dilemma with her boyfriend. Well here is the second part of this series and the advice I have to offer. For Part ONE click here.

Here is what Jennie said …

Hi Jennifer!

First, thanks so much for getting back to me. I can’t tell you how much i appreciate it. I can see why so many people are drawn to your blog!

So you’ve kind of asked some really good questions here, and maybe this will give you a clearer picture of what i’m dealing with: what’s got me so freaked out is that b4 we had this wrestling contest, he NEVER showed any signs of being a chauvinist jerk. Things were really pretty good and i thought he was a self confident guy. Then i pinned him and all hell broke loose. So i don’t know what to make of that.

But I did try to put myself in his shoes, & I realize that my knowing judo doesn’t mean anything to him. All he knows is, he took on a 5’8″, 125 lb. girl who’s pretty & has long hair and is as feminine as can be, and got his butt kicked. I remember how frustrated and angry he looked when he realized I had him locked down with my knees clamped on either side of his chest and his wrists pinned behind his head. And that’s why I asked you about the sports you had won against guys b/c this really is different. I was able to tire him out and then physically overpower him & I think it took a real psychological toll.

So, OK, I’ve been feeling A LOT of guilt about that. But when I talk to him about it (and i really have sat him down and had long heart to hearts about this that turn into big arguments) he gets me so angry all over again that I dont feel bad about putting him in his place! Here;s just a sample of some of the things he’s said:

“You know you got lucky b/c girls are naturally weak and you only won b/c I took it easy on you.”
“You don’t want to give me a rematch b/c you know you will lose and you can’t take it.”
(When i told him maybe we should take judo classes together so we could be more even): “I don’t need to know judo to beat a girl.”"Judo is just tricks and now that I know what they are i can beat you with one hand tied behind my back. You’re scared to take me on again and you know it. If we wrestled again i would prove to you that women can’t compete physically with men and you don’t want me to prove that.”

Now, I’m no feminist…but as a woman…doesn’t that make your blood boil?? I mean…isn’t he really asking for it?

So here’s what I was thinking, and you tell me if it’s crazy: I’m thinking of saying to him “Fine, you want a rematch, you got it. You say you weren’t trying hard b4, fine…go all out this time….but no matter who wins–that’s it! we move on and the loser accepts it.”

He keeps insisting on the rematch and at this point i feel sick of saying “no” and being told it’s b/c i’m chicken & that women are weak. I think this is a fair way of giving him one more chance, both physically, and for our relationship. what do you think?


Hot Alpha Female’s Response: Hey Jennie

I see what you mean its going to be really tempting to have a rematch with him. But lets just play out those two scenarios.

Someone Wins. Someone Loses.

First scenario you rematch, you kick his butt again. You win.

Second scenario you rematch, he kicks your butt. You lose.

Can you see that by having a rematch either one of you is going to win or lose?

Now if you really care about your boyfriend than you have to stop thinking seeing as someone to beat or someone to prove something to.

Can I first ask you. Do you love him? How long have you been dating him?

This is something that I have learnt. There are 3 types of relationships.

3 Levels of Relationship

A level ONE relationship is where two people come together and try to get their own needs met. If they are not getting their needs met, they simply leave.

A level TWO relationship is where two people come together and recognize that they need their own needs met but understand so does their partner and therefore there is a compromise and a willingness to see from the other perspective and give them what they need.

A level THREE relationship is where two people come together and say your needs are my needs. We are not separate but we are operating as one. Therefore when you hurt him, you only hurt yourself. When he is angry at you… you know that all he really needs is reassurance that he is a competent and capable man. So instead of being angry at him being angry, you can understand what he really needs and give that to him. And he will do the same to you.

Now I’m not saying that a level 3 relationship is easy. Its a lot of hard work and its takes courage. But don’t you notice that when you give love, you feel great. And when you take love away, you feel like crap?

This is why, if you really like/love/care about this guy, then you need to find a way to get through to him. He is angry, because he feels like one of his “rules” are violated. So try anyway you can to get through to him. Maybe next time he makes a comment like that, make it playful and come over to him, give him a hug and tell him how much you care.

Don’t Give Up

Don’t give up till you try EVERYTHING.

And of course you need to get your needs met too. He needs to recognize that you are beautiful and competent as well and needs to validate the way that you feel and how him laughing at YOU hurt him.

So make an actual time, sit down him in and just say, “look hunny, for next 5-10 minutes, I wanna have a talk about this “thing” and do it in a honest and loving way. Leave the attacking and beating eachother at the game for another time.

Then and only then, after you have tried your best to get through to him and meet his needs … can you start to think about what you want to do with him.
No Rematch

But a rematch is not the answer. It won’t solve anything. It will just fill someone’s ego at the expense of the relationship.

P.s I know that it must infuriate you that at times he is being immature. Like i said in my comment, its really tempting to go and kick his ass and make him shut up. But he is your boyfriend, you care about him and while in the short term it would feel great in the long term it would damage the relationship.

Have a conversation with him, you have nothing to lose. There is nothing you should fear. Even if the absolute worst happens and say he breaks up with you or you break up with him.

You are an attractive, smart and competent woman .. and you’ll find a guy who LOVES that about you!!

All the best, let me know ok?

Update: Jennie has just informed me that she will be spending the weekend apart from her boyfriend. To that I say GOOD MOVE. Spend some time alone, go out have fun with your own friends, fill yourself up so you can come back to him with a clear head and an open mind as to what you want to do with him.

Hot Alpha Female

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